Quite often during the day I come across things that I see or hear or like that I want to remember to share, but by the time I get a chance to actually sit down at the computer and write, usually quite late in the evening, all those things have long since dropped off my brain radar, lying lost and forgotten on the side of my mental meanderings like single shoes that people pass later on the highway and wonder about. There's no meaning in them, those single shoes. They're just there: road markers.

A million different thoughts zing around inside my head every day, in fact it's incredible how many thoughts must pass through any given brain on any given day. Gazillions! Our brains work so damn hard and yet we blame them for everything we forget: it slipped my mind, we say or, it's on the tip of my tongue...as it if weren't secreted away in some pocket of the hippocampus; merely misfiled. It's there, it's just not always retrievable. If only we had some sort of mental google machine (moogle? broogle? or maybe just this: hahahaha!). A brainiac dewey decimal system.

Anyway, it's the weekend and it's quiet out here now. It's always quieter on the weekends when folks are busy with their families or all the million things they don't have time for during the usual round of work/school/sleep, or just taking the necessary downtime needed to recharge before Monday morning rolls around again.

With all the craziness that is the end of the year for me, a couple of days of quietness sound lovely. I have NO days left this month that don't have something scheduled in them. And then it's December.

Batshit insane schedule
Saturday: man the kiosk for Karin's soccer team, do AWC website updates
Sunday: soccer games
Monday: visit to junior high school with Martin
Tuesday: H1N1 vaccination
Wednesday: Grocery shopping: buy turkeys
Thursday: Dentist appointment & wreath-making class
Friday: Cleaning, cooking, party preparations
Saturday: host Annual Ek Family Thanksgiving Potluck Party!
Sunday: Party aftermath cleanup, get down Christmas decorations, bake cookies
Monday: AWC Monthly Meeting and cookie exchange
Tuesday: Massage appointment (whew!)

That brings us to December 2nd. Normally by mid-November I've already done the majority of my Christmas shopping, bought cards, started the annual Christmas letter. And there are 4 family birthdays to deal with in December as well. This year? God knows when I'll even get started. I just looked at the December calendar and out of 31 days, only 12 are free before Christmas. And considering the list of things that needs to get crammed into those 12 days, I might just need to a) clone myself b) get busy already c) hire a personal assistant or d) have a mental breakdown. Hmmm. Which would you pick?

Walking through an early winter evening, with the shine of the streetlights on the wet pavement, there's a strange sense of peace that envelops you just as surely as the scarf you have wrapped around your head. It wasn't cold enough to wear mittens; I let my hands dangle inside my big warm sleeves. The scarf was more for surety, a precaution against cold in the throat. It wasn't even cold enough for dragon breath, but it was dark as the inside of a dragon's cave and damp like it too. Looking up, I could see stars, not stalactites. No sign of Smaug.

Do you know the difference between stalactites and stalagmites without looking it up? I read the trick of remembering once, it's a simple mnemonic: stalaCtites have a C for ceiling, stalaGmites have a G for ground. Pretty cool, eh? Caves, even though I think they are nifty and mysterious and wonderful, give me the heebie-jeebies, thanks to a creeping claustrophobia that usually only manifests in crowds. I've been in a lot of caverns as a youngster, including the Mammoth Caves and some really amazing ones in Spain, but it's been awhile since I was underground in a natural cavern. I think my dad must have had a thing for caves, since we always made a point of touring any that happened to be nearby whenever we were road-tripping.

The only cave around here is Tykarpsgrottan, which is really a limestone quarry, but Karin was a baby when we visited it. The last one I was in, this past summer was, coincidentally, also a limestone quarry.

Karin's room is rather cave-like, what with the dark red walls and the black furniture, especially when she has the blackout blind pulled down. It's very cozy, though. Martin's room will be quite the opposite. Anders painted the walls this past weekend and the colors Martin chose are light and lovely: a pale creamy biscuity beige named Silke, and a medium-dusty pale Sage green. I had printed out the tree pattern and Anders had bought the paint for the 3 different colors to be used for them, but then he came to me and said that HE wanted to paint the trees.

"Oh," I said, a little disappointed, "okay, but I thought I was going to do it." Well yes, he said, but it was the only really fun part of renovating...he'd already done all the boring things: stripping, spackling, painting ceiling and trim. How could I argue with that? Even if Martin and I had also done some boring parts: moving out furniture, cleaning out stuff, stripping off the border...I wasn't really emotionally invested in having to paint the trees. Anders brought home a projector and made a stencil by tracing the tree pattern onto butcher block paper. He's already painted the bright one, and is halfway through one of the dark ones. These are leafless trees, no verdancy despite the woodland tones. It's going to be a real forest on the long wall, a groovy grove of bare branches.

I was going to try and tie this all together with some sort of meditation on trees growing from the ground like stalagmites but it just sounded silly and when you come right down to it, makes no sense so, so much for that flight of fancy. :P Anyway, the light and dark aspects completely aside, it's a rather fascinating exercise in the differences in taste and the reflections of personality when you compare the rooms of my kids. And yes, when we're done I'll post photos, I promise.

*Title from a quote by Arlo Guthrie

A general feeling of not just well-being but a physical spine-tingling glee. So many good things, good news, good vibes going on this week that my hair might as well be standing on end with excitement and The Happy. Mr. Bluebird's on my shoulder, it's the truth, it's actual, everything is satisfactual!

Yesterday was one good thing after another: getting up smiling because even though it was hard to get out of bed, it was Friday, having a good and productive day at work, then a lovely dinner with the Wonders: ALL of us this time because Debbie's husband Ola is home from the hospital for a whole week to rest and regain his strength and put on some weight before facing chemo #3. He's been in the hospital for 8.5 weeks and the whole family was over the moon to have him home. Debbie was practically glowing, she was so happy that things are going better. She came late after getting the family settled but it was so wonderful to have our whole circle of friends together again and be able to talk over everything that has been going on in the past few months. I think we all needed it.

It was pouring rain and driving was pretty treacherous both on the way there and on the way back, and I didn't get home until almost 1:30 in the morning. All my family was asleep, snug in their beds, and Anders had left the computer on for me, so I checked email before heading to bed, only to find a messagel from my brother practically pulsing with more good news:

Not only is my mom coming for a long visit, but my brother and Simone confirmed their tickets for Christmas and are arriving for a week starting on Christmas Eve! Yay! Now I just need to get my seester over here, and the holidays would be complete!

And the email after that? From my dear, dear Bluepoppy saying she is back in action and blogging again! Yippee skippy! First Marilyn, then Sheryl, then Miss Doxie and now BP! Even Woman in a Window posted something today! Now I just need to hear that Wee is blogging again and things will be perfect! It's like an early Christmas!

Today I got to sleep in, and finish a good book and start another good one and putter about the house just getting things done. And then, to put the icing on the good stuff cake, my mom emailed me with a huge long list of books that she just bought...for me! And then I made a most fantastic dinner! And I get to sleep in tomorrow, too!

Man, this has been a good week. :) Here's hoping that YOU are having a good one, too. *showers sunshine upon your head*

Bubbalicious Belated Birthday Wishes to davesanngel!

I'm starting to get excited about the holidays now. Especially since I just got the news that my mom is coming! YAY! She's coming AFTER Christmas, but that's okay because she's staying for nearly a month. Woot! And hopefully, my brother and Simone will be able to come up for at least a few of the days between Christmas & New Year's, too. Hope, hope!

Question for parents: how late do your kids stay up? (did I ask this before? or am I just having déjà vu?) If they stay up until 10 on a school night, what age were they when they were allowed to do so? There is some extremely fierce lobbying going on here, and I need ammo.

I've had a lot of anxiety this past year about not writing the way I want to write. But suddenly, I feel much calmer about it: if it's not coming, it's not coming. It's not going to stop me writing, dadgummit. At some point, it will surely be back (and no, I didn't just call you Shirley).

Really Great Writing Out There Right Now: What's so great about literacy and education?

Awesome Eyes: Owl in a box

One jack-o-lantern is moldering, his grinny grimace drooping down to the pavement. Time to bag them up and pitch them before I can't approach without gagging! Anyway, it's time to get them gone, because I plan on pulling out the holiday decorations in another couple of weeks. I already have advent calendars ready for both kids for the first time in...ever. I was joking at work today with a friend that you can't sing Christmas carols until December and then saw that someone in the next office building over already has one of the triangular Swedish Advent lights lit up in the their window. I'm pretty sure you can be expelled from Sweden for things like that. Even our local grocery store already has Christmas stuff for sale, though they at least haven't actually started decorating the premises yet.

Things People Have Said About Me Lately:
"I thought I'd ask you because you have a database in your head and know everything."
"Mama äger att måla! (Mama rules at painting!)
"You're exceptionally weird, even for an American."

Cracking Me Up:
Liz: Karin, what the hell is this mess? Come and clean this up! You don't need to leave this stuff all over the place.
Karin: Sorry.
Liz: Sorry isn't good enough.
Karin: *without missing a beat* Oh please my darling mother, I promise it will never happen again, I grovel before you and apologize.
Liz: That's better.
Liz & Karin: *giggle madly*

Martin's room renovation is proceeding apace. Anders has spackled and removed the last remnants of wallpaper glue which Martin & I missed (there might have been some implications about our patience level in there somewhere). BUT the wallpaper set that Martin picked out has turned out to be too expensive. So, I'm going to paint the trees myself. Martin has chosen the colors: a natural palette of soft greens and browns, and now we just have to get moving so we can get this all done before the holidays. I don't think it will be done before we host Thanksgiving, though, more's the pity.

Gah. I feel subject-less, blocked, empty of title and content and meaning. I can't make up another meme, can I? Well, I suppose I could, but credibility, wherefore art thou?

What I really want: another day to sleep in, a 3-day weekend, maybe some vacation. A dark den for hibernation. Everyone at work is talking about what days they will be taking off during the holidays but I just grimace: none. My colleague is going on his honeymoon over Christmas and New Year's and I am working. If my mom decides to come, and if she does, if my brother also decides to come, I will have to try and figure out a way to either work from home or finagle a few days off.

Something I don't appreciate: being asked, whether consciously or not, to defend the entire American system and way of thinking. I don't think that I am a typical American, although I guess I am, when I'm the only one some people ever really meet or get to know. I don't like talking politics or ideologies with ANYONE, much less feeling like I represent any sort of stance because of my citizenship. I know that every expat faces that situation at some point during their overseas tour but it still gets my goat, every time.

Lots of people spend their online time and build their online presence by getting very passionate about causes and injustices and beliefs. Not me. My causes and injustices and beliefs are my own business. I may choose, once in awhile, to air something here, but most of the time I keep such things to myself. I don't expect my friends and readers to do the same, but I do expect them to respect the fact that I don't wear my heart on my blog, such at it were. What I think about the news headlines and hot button topics and topical issues is what I think about them. I don't feel any need, most of the time, to comment on them or engage in debate.

I thought flannel sheets would be cozy but too warm, but I find that I like them more and more the longer I use them. It's not really all that cold yet in the house; temperatures are supposed to be dropping this week, but so far I have found them not only cozy but quite comfortable and suspect that as it grows colder I will appreciate them all the more.

The urge to Christmas shop is upon me, but I have yet to receive ideas from my first family. I have lists (very long, expensive lists) from both my children, and the usual one-item list (very short, expensive list) from my husband. I am feeling the urge, for some reason, to get all my shopping over and done with so I can relax and spend my energy on not making and eating a million Christmas cookies this year.

The leaves are mostly off the trees now. Yesterday, while in town, the kids and I parked the car at Davidshallstorget and walked over to the Science Fiction Bookstore through the most beautiful carpet of small yellow maple leaves polka-dotted over darker, wetter shadow versions of themselves. All this and cobblestones, too. Now we can see though hedges and trees are assuming that stark outlined silhouette state that will be with us until the ice and snow hits, when they transform yet again into fairy-sparkle padded pillow versions of their summer selves.

I finished the book group book this morning, by giving up at 300+ pages and skimming the rest of it. I couldn't take any more. How A Confederacy of Dunces ever won the Pulitzer Prize is beyond me. Or any prize for that matter. It's unfathomable that it shares a prize with books like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Grapes of Wrath. Actually, when I look at the list of past Fiction winners for Pulitzer Prizes, it seems extremely uneven, so maybe it's just me. Did anyone like this book? I mean that is reading this and could answer me? Thankfully, the book I started this evening is already, after only a couple of chapters, scrubbing Dunce's excrescence from my mind, so no harm done.

For someone who had no idea what to write about when she started, this sure got long quick. Off to read in bed. Alas for not being able to sleep in tomorrow, though!

3 moods I was in today: manic, happy, aggravated

3 feelings I experienced today: bloating, amusement, affection

3 things I'm looking forward to this weekend: sleeping in, seeing Katrina, bookstore visit

3 things I need to accomplish this weekend: laundry, shopping for Father's Day, finishing the bookgroup book

3 things I keep wasting time on: Sword of Fargoal, Facebook, reading blogs

3 things that have made me happy lately: county-wide recycling pick-up program, a minus on the scale, that my friend's husband may get to go home from the hospital this weekend for a few hours

3 people I'm thinking of: Bryce, Melanie, my dad

3 places I wish I were: my mom's house in Michigan, Soliden, somewhere sunny

3 work-related tasks I did a lot of this week: presentation reviews, case study layouts, advertisement layouts & admin

3 people I wish had blogs: my mom, my brother, Becky

3 LJ'ers I'd like to meet in real life that I haven't yet:* gnostreah, jackiejj, kimbis

3 shamefully neglected projects: my family website, my collage book, my letter-writing

3 things I miss: vacation, that early-relationship glow, the eyesight I took for granted in my younger days

3 fruits I never get tired of: golden kiwis, clementines, red seedless grapes

3 things I'm glad don't actually exist in real life: dimension spiders, orcs, sparkly vampires

3 things I wish there would be an end to: health scares among my loved ones, the crappy weather, this list

3 ways to end this list: stop at 2, go to bed, triple-dog-dare YOU to your own list of triplets

*They're not the only ones, though.

What if we had never met? What would your life be like? Some of you might argue that, in fact, we never HAVE met, and some of you have only met me once or twice in person, but maybe the meeting of the minds that passes for frequent contact here is enough. Maybe it counts! For all the friends I've never met, and the ones I've only met a couple of times and all the ones that used to live nearby and whom I never now see, it must count for something, right?

What if you'd never come to that meeting? What if you'd never followed that link? What if you'd chosen to go to a different school or take a different class or move to another neighborhood? What if you hadn't gotten that job at the place where I worked? What if you had, but had decided, upon a few moment's first impression, that I wasn't someone you wanted to get to know? Our past is full of such moments, missed connections, near collisions, glancing blows to our experience.

If what we are is the sum of our experiences, and all the things that have happened to us, then that includes all the people that we have met, that we have interacted with, and most especially it must include those that are kin, whether by relation or likemindedness. How much poorer my life would be without the people who happened upon it, who added to its breadth and depth and who enrich it daily.

The family that let me grow and experiment, the teachers that let me stretch my mind and creativity, the friends that let me dare and dream and do. If we had never met, my life would have been so different. I would never have learned HTML if I'd never met YOU. I would never have learned how unconventional I was at heart if I'd never met YOU. If YOU and I had never met, I wouldn't have learned how to take words and twist them in my grasp until they formed a shape that reflected my heart. Every one of you has given me something, added something to me, showed me something I didn't know, answered a need I had.

If I hadn't trusted a friend, I would never have met Anders. If I hadn't met Anders I would never have moved back to Europe, learned a new language, conceived and carried Martin and Karin. Imagine! I might have fallen in love with someone else and had some other life. Or I might never have met anyone whose heart matched my own and my life would have been infinitesimally less blessed.

What if YOU and I had never met? It's unthinkable.

Big Bouquets of Belated Birthday Wishes to vember!

There's my motivation! I found it! It was lurking...in my brain. Always the last place you look, eh?

Things I did at work today:
Watered the plants, confimed procedures with a colleague on the phone, reviewed a flash card, ate breakfast, laid out 5 case studies, uploaded an updated datasheet and sent out a call for translation for localized versions, reviewed 5 presentations, made a new ad look better, sent out 4 ads to publications, ate a super salad for lunch, found a logo for someone, had a discussion about how best to do the next cheat sheet poster, farted around for 20 minutes while our awesome IT guy fixed my computer (2 new memory boards, 1 new graphics card with an extra fan), answered several questions, thanked someone for a job well done, finalized 9 enewsletters, fixed a typo on 31 enewsletters, updated the enews archive page, cancelled a dinner date, read and answered over 100 emails, finalized another ad and sent it for review...among other things. Productive!

We were supposed to go to the wallpaper/paint store after work but Anders got stuck helping someone and we wouldn't have made it before they closed, so we'll go on Wednesday instead. Martin's room renovation is in full swing. Instead I unloaded the dishwasher, made dinner, read 2 chapters, power-walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes and made a couple of phone calls. I have some other projects percolating in my brain right now...we'll see if they get started tonight or not.

Both kids had their H1N1 flu vaccine shots today and are walking around wincing any time they have to lift their arms. Karin has the most awesome sad "feel sorry for me" face ever. Is it wrong that I can't help laughing every time she tries it out on me?

Even though the weather was for shite today, it always seems like a good day when I have motivation, a good mood and a positive attitude. I get knocked down, but I get up again.

If I went back and read through entries from former years written about this same time, I suspect that a theme of split restlessness and lethargy would be revealed. It's hard to understand how I can feel both so itchy to do something that I can't identify and sluggish and slow at the very same time. The weather is reflected my mood today: grim and gray and cantankerous, blowing this way and that.

The AWC Halloween party was a smash success, a record-busting bash. There were 213 people attending, the most we've ever had at any AWC event in our almost 12 year history. I think the most we've had before this was 180 and that was probably a Halloween Party, too. It was almost half and half adults to children ratio, and since we held it at a great playplace in Malmö, it was 3 hours of happy hyperness. Everything went smoothly and my costume was a success, though both Karin and Martin tossed their defining costume accessories off as soon as we got in the door and took off running. We saw them when it was time for dinner and when it was time for trick-or-treating, but otherwise they were just red-cheeked sweaty blurs in the distance.

I found a sun mask at the costume party place in town and wore a bright green shirt, to which I clipped big flowers in pink and white. I was a Sunny Day in the Garden, of course :) Martin borrowed my authentic French beret and wore a striped turtleneck and mustache. Karin wore a silver face mask and that was enough for her. Anders wasn't motivated enough to dress up this year.

And now it's into November and December and the holiday season has officially begun.

Hopefully the restlessness and hunger for whatever it is my brain is craving will be figured out soon and I can get on with the getting on.

Is anyone else boggled by the fact that tomorrow is the last day of October? Already it feels as dark in the early evenings as if it were January, and we are still 2 months away from the equinox. What an down and up day this was...what down and up WEEK, for that matter.

At the beginning of it, one of my colleagues, another American who is also a friend, sent out an email to all the Americans in our department, asking if we would be interested in helping to organize a Thanksgiving dinner for our entire department. There are 33 people in our department, if you count the 3 who are on parental leave and the 1 who is on sabbatical. Of those, (including one of the ones on leave), SIX of us are American.

Anyway, apparently one or more of the non-Americans had been inquiring about Thanksgiving and it gave her this great idea of all of us Americans cooking up and serving a real Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. I have to admit that my first reaction was dismay. And my second.

We have been hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for our closest friends in Sweden since we moved here, nearly 13 years ago, and the amount of people at the dinner is usually around 14-16 including the kids. I don't cook a darn thing at these dinners. I organize them, clean the house, buy the groceries and drinks, set the table, and clean up afterward. My husband cooks the THREE turkeys it takes to feed that many people and still have leftovers, as well as the stuffing that goes in them, and mashed potatoes. Each couple that comes brings one of the requisite dishes: one brings pumpkin pie(s), one a chocolate dessert, one the green bean casserole. One brings extra stuffing and sometimes someone is delegated to bring black olives and cranberry sauce, or wine, and some years Anders & I provide it. The point being, as I mentioned at the beginning: I DON'T COOK ANYTHING.

Another reason for the dismay: there is so much going on in November and December, both at home and at work, that the idea of adding ANYTHING else to the calendar raises my stress level immediately. It's almost an automatic response; I can't help it. No no no my inner calendar cries out: NO. I don't WANT to add another event, no matter how fun or generous it might be. And with the amount of work we have, constantly, the thought of having to drop what I'm doing at work so that I can spend part of a day helping to cook and prepare the meal and dining experience makes me get the panics.

And the final reason: Thanksgiving is, for me, a FAMILY thing. The people I surround myself with at Thanksgiving, whenever possible, are the people I love most, that mean the most to me, that I am closest to: the friends that might as well be family for me here. Much as I like my colleagues, they aren't the people I want to spend a Thanksgiving celebration with.

So, my response to the inquiry was no. I don't want to help organize it. I don't want to be involved. Then one of the other girls went ahead and sent out the invitation to the entire department and included my name anyway. When I wrote to her in a bit of a huff, saying HEY, I SAID NO, I got a joking response, because of course, I must be kidding, right? Well, no. Actually, I'm not. So far, I've been called lazy and a party-pooper.

***

Despite some cautiously good news about my friend's husband earlier this week, things have been looking pretty grim. The second round of chemo has caused all kinds of complications including the development of gallstones, pneumonia and pancreatitis, along with hallucinations. He's lost 20 kilos and weighs less than he did when he was 18. But in the beginning of the week, his white blood cell count started going up and his infection rate started dropping, which had the doctors looking positive and today they got the results of the second bone marrow test: he's in remission!

My friend was so relieved that she was barely coherent when she called to give me the news today. Remission in this case doesn't mean he's done, however. He's facing gallbladder surgery next week and they have to get the rest of the infections under control as well as the pancreatitis, and after he recovers from the surgery, he'll face at least 3 more rounds of chemo. But it's at least the first really positive news in 2 months, and I'm thrilled.

***

My nephew had his kidney valve correction surgery on Monday and is doing well. He's still in a lot of pain, but my mom is there and between them all it sounds like they are managing to keep him relatively comfortable. He's planning to go trick-or-treating tomorrow in a wagon pulled by the adults, so he won't have to miss out on any of the Halloween festivities.

***

I hadn't realized that Friday was a half day, so was pleasantly surprised a few days ago to find that out. The kids have been on Fall Break all this week which means, since we gave up their after-school daycare spots at the beginning of the year, that they were going to be home alone all week. Anders and I managed to take turns coming home at lunch time each day, and I had been planning to work from home this afternoon, but instead I got to leave at lunchtime as planned and come home while the SUN WAS SHINING and get other things done! BONUS! We ate lunch and then we ran to the grocery store to get Halloween candy for tonight's trick-or-treating and then we went for a walk in the beautiful weather. It's been cold but sunny for several days and perfect walking weather.

Instead of going our usual round, we went up the hill and across the fields, out into the farmland. Most of the fields up there were planted in sugar beets and have already been harvested and plowed under. It felt great to be walking along with the sun beaming down and blue skies all around us. We could see for miles up there. We could see a hot air balloon far away over Lund. We could see deer far away in one of the fields and by one of the lakes a whole flock of resting geese. Karin ran ahead when we got to the section of the road lined with the old twisted-open willow trees, climbing up in them one by one and then dashing on to the next. I sang songs at the top of my lungs while Martin tried frantically to make me stop, despite the fact that there was no one anywhere around for what felt like miles. It was glorious.

Tomorrow is the giant AWC Halloween bash at a playplace in Malmö. There are 158 people signed up as definite and another 20+ as maybes. Should be a fun time. :)

What was up about your week? And if you're going to dress up, what are you going to be for Halloween?

Bat Wing & Black Cat Belated Birthday Wishes to berchshill!