lizardek's obiter dictum lizardek Home Now Then Friends Info Ek Family
zird is the word [userpic]
THE OLDER WE GET, THE BETTER WE USED TO BE*
Some days I can't settle at all and others that's all I seem to be doing. I look at the backs of my hands and think how much smoother they used to be. The crosshatching has always been there; I remember it clearly yet it seems so much more prominent now. The knuckles knobblier, the grooves ...groovier. I still bear, here and there, the tiny white scars of cat scratches from long-ago, they've faded a great deal. The veins, on the other hand, are not fading, quite the opposite. My hands are still smooth, but not when they are bent at the keyboard. I can see my old lady hands from here.

The house is quiet. Almost too quiet. But playing music distracts me right now. I need to be still and let the words flow, instead of having them be caught up and swirled away. Too much of my time is swirled away, flying up into the air in spiraled hieroglyphics that disappear into the past. You might think that I'd be busy making noise to cover the absence of my family but actually I am wallowing in silence. No one has the TV on. No one is talking to anyone else or yelling at anyone else or asking me for anything. Every year when my family goes skiing, I dive happily into my alone-time and curl up in it. A week is just perfect: enough time to myself to really enjoy it and not enough time to miss them too much.

When I look at current photos of my best friend from junior high, she looks exactly the same to me. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself as I WAS, not always as I am. Focusing often comes as a shock. When did THAT happen, I think? When did that start to wrinkle/sag/discolor/fade? The older we get, the better we used to be, indeed. I'm at least 20 years younger in my head; often more.

Anders has a hella big birthday coming up. The fact of it is making me ponder my own mortality, my own rate of exchange of youth for experience. It's not a pleasant exercise; far from it. But, as they say, the alternative is worse. Coming to terms with it is the process of a lifetime, I suppose. Once we finally get used to the idea, then what? EEK!

I think the amount of clutter-clearing I have been doing lately has exacerbated this internal discourse. It makes me think of later days; of paring down, of letting go of things. I should be feeling freer for every bag of gently used stuff I put in the donation pile but instead it's making me morbid. Perhaps just getting it OUT of the house will help; it's fenging up the shui in here.

*Title paraphrased from a quote by Lee Trevino
 calm
mood: calm
music: Incubus—Drive


Comments

I remember an "aha" moment when I was talking to a friend and I realized that she looked like a middle-aged woman. Then I remembered that she was younger than me.

I used to love it when we visited Björn's dad and he would call us "småbarn". To him we really were like his little children.

Let's make a sushi date. March 30? April 20? April 27?

April 20! On my calendar :)

April 20. Check.

Let's wear miniskirts and ponytails.

Or not.

I just had a week without the children and I took it off from work as well. I LOVED the quiet. I did not turn on the TV, or the music, or any of the fillers I might have used before to tell me I was not alone. No! Just me and the drone of the washer or dryer (sometimes against the sound of the page turning of book, or the tapping of keyboard).

What a shock when the girls returned and I found voices again in my house. I'm still getting used to it.

It's always a shock the day after they get back. First I miss them, then I'm like, wait, what?!

My aunt Mary, she of zero tact, once said to my mother, out of the blue, "You were prettier when you were younger and thinner." My mom was greatly offended until I pointed out that, uh, duh, so was aunt Mary, so was EVERYONE.

Lately it's the deep creases on my forehead and the small creases on my neck that are starting to give away my age that are troubling me. No amount of lotion seems to make an impact and make-up can't hide them (rather it accentuates them, great!). I can't truly say I feel younger than I am anymore, at least not physically, but in my mind I am much younger. Much.

haha! I used to have a Mean Old (Great-Aunt) Aunt Mary. The whole family called her that. She was awesome.

(Anonymous)

"Fenging up the shui" just pretty much made my day. Thank you for that, and for being so much younger than I am that I can sneer at any "I'm getting older" crap from you. You baby, you. And you look great. Happy big birthday to Anders in advance from me.

Chuck

I am not SO much younger than you. :) And any day I can make your day with a turn of phrase is a good day for me! :D Anders has a couple of months to go...and I have a couple of years (to get used to the idea!) as well.

From Megsie

There are days when I feel old too. But I agree, in my head I am still young. What an interesting contemplation. I know that I have felt that way before, but I don't know if I ever really thought about it. I have caught myself saying things to my kids when they ask how I got hurt, "I am not hurt, just old," because of the achy knee or back. I remember my parents saying things like that to me, and thinking they were crazy. Huh. I guess it is my turn to be crazy!

I am envious of your week of alone time. It sounds heavenly.

Sending hugs to you! xoxo

Re: From Megsie

"Just old"...isn't that a sad thing to say to our kids? I'm guilty of it too! It's been a nice, quiet week, though I've managed to keep busy. Guess how many t-shirts Karin has? OVER 70, that's how many!

November 2017
      1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30

lizardek

lizardek's obiter photos
lizardek's obiter photos

shameless
Feeling generous? Be my guest!





snippet
I can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.

Abraham Lincoln

more
obiter snippets





credits
Layout thanks to dandelion.
Findus the cat as used in my user icon and header is the creation of Sven Nordqvist.