I wonder if somewhere deep down inside myself I knew when I stepped on that plane that I might never be coming "home" again, at least not to live. I don't remember thinking about it, really, other than being excited about going back at last. It had been a dream of mine for 14 years to return to Europe, and finally it was coming true.
It's not that I have anything against moving back to the States, it's just that I feel I belong here. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Chicago and love it still and miss it like crazy, but I know that if I moved back there it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be single, 20-something, in my first real job. I LOVE Michigan, too, but I just don't think I want to live and work in America, at least not right now. The thought of leaving this house, for one, makes my throat tight.
Anders and I have always said we would like to move somewhere ELSE...somewhere where both of us can be "the foreigner" at the same time. Somewhere else in Europe perhaps (Holland! In a heartbeat), or Australia, or Canada. But we both think we would come back to Sweden and our home after a couple of years on an expat contract. And the stretch is getting longer and longer on the "indefinitely" answer I give when people ask how long I'm planning to live in Sweden.
Part of me really wants to give my kids the flexibility, the viewpoints, the adventure that moving around gave me as a child. Part of me wants to give them a place to escape from and a place to come home to.
I remember my dad, when he retired from the military say he was never moving again...he was through. Of course, he DID move. It's in the blood, I think. But I've moved 30 times in my life. I think that ought to hold me for a long while. 8 years I've been here, slowly growing roots, gaining a network, making friends, putting down the kind of layers that make me feel like this is home.
I received an email today from Company T...the position that I interviewed for and had sewn up before turning it down because it was a project job, is officially open again as a permanent position, and they're taking external applications. She hopes I'm interested and will call her. I'm just starting to feel that things are escalating and getting good at Axis. I don't think I want to jeopardize that. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to say or how I should respond.