August 11th, 2005



A fall full of things to look forward to:
  • The AWC season starting up
  • Choir starting up
  • A trip to Oslo! The last time I was there bell-bottoms were in style...for the first time.
  • Pumpkins! It's nearly time to pick pumpkins!
  • Singing in a televised 3000-member choir concert at Globen in Stockholm
  • A visit from my mom and my cool Aunt Judy
  • My first-year anniversary at my job :)
  • A visit from Kathey & Russell!
  • A possible trip home to the States for Thanksgiving!
And I'm looking forward to the annual ski-trip week in January that my family takes without me, which I'm only thinking of because Anders and Mats started planning it this past week. And I'm looking forward to my brother's wedding in May...not just because it's so great that they are getting married, but also because MY WHOLE FAM DAMILY will be there! At least most of them. Party time in Bavaria! Look out, Germany, you won't know what's hit you! And I'm looking forward to next summer. Because, after 2 totally sucky summers in a row, the next one HAS to be better.

Sometimes, I can't decide which is better: looking forward or looking back. I love flipping through photo albums, scrapbooks, notebooks full of mementos, things I kept that remind me of a place, a person, a trip, an occasion. But, no matter what, looking forward beats all. That's something I want to say to an online friend who is going through an incredibly tough time. Perhaps the things you see when you look forward are bleak or seemingly meaningless, but it still BEATS ALL.

You know, you've been there. We've ALL been there. I have been there, too. And once in awhile I look back, and remember. I'm glad of those terrible times, now, when pain and sadness darkened every mental window and dimmed my joy in living, because I learned so much about myself, my limits, my strengths, and most of all, my weaknesses. And I'm aware that most likely there will be more terrible times ahead of me. But that's not ALL there is ahead for me, that's NEVER all there is ahead.

This friend of mine is was convinced that she has nothing to look forward to. Just imagine having nothing to look forward to. Not another rosy-faced dawn, with dew shining on the grass, and the liquid melody of a bird swaying on a treebranch above your head, perhaps having the phone ring with a friend calling to invite you to lunch, or an opportunity,...perhaps the one you've been looking for. Imagine no anticipation, no expectation, no prospects, no promises, no discovery, no joy.

In fact, I can't. I can't imagine that. At the risk of sounding condescending, which is farthest from my mind at the moment, I have to say that I can't imagine that.

What I wish is that I could bundle up some of the sudden bursts of enthusiasm I have, tie them with a big golden bow, and lob them, sparkling and fizzing, across whatever distance, to the people who need them most. Something to make your eyes widen, to help you SEE, to light up the room, and your day, and your life.

Do you know? I think that's what I'm trying to do most of all right here.