May 11th, 2006



Every time I feel down, like things aren't going my way, like people aren't commenting on my journal (like no one wants to hear what I have to say), when I'm snappy and grumpy and everyone is causing problems and my relationships are rocky and my children are driving me nuts, that's when the Universe invariably gets out her big cluestick and whaps me on the back of the head with it.

It's been like that lately. Feeling off-kilter, feeling a bit down and not sure why. On edge. Stage fright this far in advance of my a capella solo in 2 weeks? PMS? The fact that money is tight and yet we spend it like water? The fact that the weather is BEAUTIFUL and I'm inside working every day? Whatever it is, it's been a stupid and annoying state of mind to be in, and I kept feeling like I was digging it deeper instead of clawing my way out.

Last night Anders and I had a bit of a tiff, or at least I was left feeling so, although I'm not sure he was. I went to bed around 11:30 and he went out to the garage to work on his motorcycle. And incidentally, after reading back through my journal entries last year, perhaps the fact that his motorcycle is in pieces at the beginning of the season for the second year in a row has as much to do with the state of tension around here as anything I could come up with...hrm.

Sometime well after midnight he came out of the garage to lock up and come in the house and saw that the sky was completely lit up, right over our neighborhood. Something nearby was on fire in a BIG way. There are 40 houses in our little neighborhood, none of them more than 5 years old, all but a couple of them home to young families with small children. He ran up the road, around each corner and at the top of the neighborhood saw that one of the houses was burning.

The cars were burning, the carport was burning, the house was burning.

The couple that lives there with their 2-year old daughter were outside in their pajamas watching their house, with everything in it, go up in flames. They had had time to get themselves out, but nothing else, it went up that fast.

If their neighbor hadn't heard what sounded like hail outside and looked out a window, and reacted immediately by throwing on pants and rushing over, they would all be dead. Anders said the guy's house was smoking, too, from the heat that was so close to it.

The house is a smoking shell, it took the firemen until 4:30 a.m. to get the fire out, and it was still smouldering this morning.

My little problems are just that: little.


A great many of my favorite authors are also poets, and if they're not poets, then they're as wordsmithy AS poets, and often they use snippets and quotations and poetry in their books, to head chapters or reference or set a mood. This one is in the endpiece of Sheri S. Tepper's Sideshow. She's a favorite because her books are NEVER predictable. I like predictability in my real life (to a certain extent, and even to a CERTAIN extent, if you know what I mean) but I don't like it in my reading.* Anyway, this poem struck me like a bell. I used it in one of the pages of my collage book as well.

by Koi Bashi

heaven longing ape
angel who stumbles
blind light bearer
who falls and fumbles
worshiper of error
seeker after truth
hurting and aging
lover of lovely youth
wild beast raging
craven and brave
freak of fashion
and custom's slave
puppet of passion
lowest and loftiest
a sideshow gape
god's fool, nature's jest
heaven longing ape

For more wonderful poetry, visit the Poetry Thursday website.

*I don't like it in my viewing either which is why I'm very hard to please with movies or television. Hollywood endings are almost always WAY too easy to figure out.
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