August 27th, 2006

cocked and loaded

PAGING STUART SMALLEY

When did I stop thinking that what I had to say was worthy of writing down? Somewhere along the line I veered off into feeling that if what I was writing about wasn't scinctillating, profound or humorous, it wasn't worth posting. This makes it harder and harder to want to post anything, to write ANYTHING, for fear it isn't good enough.

For who? For me or for my audience?

The idea that writing about the mundanities of my day, the things that happen to me, the funny things my kids say, all those little things—isn't good enough or exciting enough to share in an online journal that is read by people all over the world, has taken hard hold of my brain. What do you care what a relief it was to see that the flea-market collection truck had taken our huge pile of donations? What do you care that I slept in again today and have mostly puttered around the house and worked on various projects? What do you care about the flutter of joy I felt in the car the other day when playing a game with Martin made me realize how very much he thinks like me?

What do you care?

Some people seem to effortlessly write funny stuff, or great stuff, or thought-provoking stuff every time they write. It boggles me, how good they are. However, they don't usually do so every day, so why should I feel obligated to? Why should I feel that every time I sit down here to post, that it has to be 1) interesting and 2) comment-worthy? Is it the nature of the blogging beast?

The real question is, who am I actually asking? I don't appreciate the tendency in myself to desire validation from anyone other THAN myself, but it seems to be a part of my make-up, and perhaps a part of the human condition, judging by the amount of attention-seekers out there. I don't think I crave approval or applause any more than the average person, at least. I know I write well. I know that people enjoy reading what I write. So why the constant self-doubt? When I sit down to write something, I don't want it to be because I want kudos or a prize for Best Online Essay Ever...I want it to be because I enjoy writing and I enjoy the feeling I get from putting words together well. I want to write the kind of things I want to read, even if it's not perfect every time.

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Wild and Wonderful Birthday Wishes to wavebreaker!