February 8th, 2010



I have a really hard time writing here when I'm feeling down. I want my journal to be a place of positivity and light, not a drudge through dreary blahness, and when I'm not feeling the motivation or the mood, it's really hard for me to kick myself over to the blog and make my fingers do some walking. I know that rainbows don't have to shoot out of my eyeballs or ponies prance by in order for what I am thinking and feeling and writing to be of interest to SOMEONE (Hi Mom!) but I keep thinking that way, regardless.

And it's not that I'm feeling down...exactly. I think what I'm feeling is blah. Like Megsie, who shared similar feelings today, I just want to curl up and read and sleep and have someone else take care of things, and me. I wonder if this feeling is magnified because Anders is out of town for so long and I am feeling the space in our lives where he usually is like a phantom limb. I keep reaching with a missing hand only to be brought up short by its absence. Even telling the kids to call their father when they need help with a math problem isn't enough...I just wish he were home. Even when he drives me mad, my world is seriously lopsided if he's not around.

Both my kids just came in, one after the other, totally without provocation, and gave me hugs. My god, are they PSYCHIC?

Really, what am I whining about? I think they miss him, too. :)

Partly, it's because I feel old lately. That's a whole 'nother post, though.

Partly, it's the weather. Even with the sparkly white snow everywhere, it's pretty blah when the sun isn't also shining. The sky has been high and white for several days and we're supposed to get yet more snow this week. I keep seeing and hearing people talking about spring and wishing it was here, but it's only the beginning of February: Spring will get here when it gets here and its renewal of the world won't be any less miraculous because it comes when it's supposed to, when it usually does: in SPRING.