April 20th, 2016

attempting to give a damn


I have a huge pile of mixed emotions right now.

I was really happy on Monday after WW because I finally (!) hit -15 kg*. It's taken forever to get down this last kilo, thanks to Pie Night, Easter, Anthon Berg and my own lack of motivation. One step forward, two steps back, rinse & repeat for way too many weeks. So, it felt really good to have finally hit that milestone on my way down. :) Still a long way to go, but now the sun is out and I am getting moving again.

My mom called Sunday and told me some terrible news. Another relative with a brain tumor. Inoperable, no time, all the things you don't want to hear when the person in question is beloved. This is my second close relative with a brain tumor in the space of a year. It makes me so sad. I feel very far away and useless right now.

Why can't the cool, fun, wonderful people be here as long as me? It makes me so unutterably sad to know that this is how it is. Life isn't fair. Time is too short. No one gets to live forever and you don't get a second chance.

Anders is gone again, to Italy this week and next, but will be home during the weekend. I've been busy, as usual, and had bookgroup here last night and it was really nice to have a room full of talkative people to keep me distracted. Everyone hated the book so the discussion was fun and then turned to other, more interesting topics. I put out a huge spread of nibbles (crackers, cheese, baby tomatoes, beef jerky, grapes, cashews, chocolate squares, cookies) and then served a raspberry meringue cake with Daim. Yum! My friend Debbie spent the night as she had her first class this morning here in Flyinge (and she lives 40 minutes away), so we stayed up a little late, but not too late, talking.

But I woke up at 4:20 a.m. this morning with the worst headache, post-nightmares and dehydrated, and with my jaw clenched so tight I thought I'd be having to carry a little notepad and pencil around for the rest of my life. I got up and took some Ibuprofin but when I went back to bed, I couldn't relax and I couldn't fall asleep again. The fish tank water filter burbling was SO loud that I finally got up again around 5 and unplugged the damn thing. And still laid there until the alarm went off at 6:30. I was a zombie all day and I have so much to do this week at work, so it was not a good day, mentally speaking. My mind isn't here at all. It's home with my mom and my family. And being tired doesn't help. It's nearly 8 p.m. now and I'm trying really hard not to go sit on the couch because if I do, I'll fall asleep and then I'll have to get up again to go to bed and then I won't be able to sleep again. Stupid headache, look what you did!

Martin told me about a cool new show and I can't recommend it highly enough. We are already addicted to John Oliver's Last Week Tonight, but now we've added Samantha Bee's Full Frontal to our watch list. She used to be on The Daily Show as a correspondent, but now she's got her own late-night hosting gig (first woman late-night host!) and she's great. Rude, crude, biting, insightful, provocative and funny as all get-out.

I went for a walk at lunch today, but maybe I'll go out again now for half an hour. The sun is still shining!

* -33.06 lbs