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There's a weird feeling hovering about my head these days. I started this journal with the expressed intention of kick-starting my writing again, after a long drought during which I changed just about everything in my life it was possible to change: my marital status, my country of residence, my language skills; my identity as a woman blending with the new and all consuming challenges of being a wife and a mother. I had no time or energy for the person I used to be, or the pursuits I used to enjoy. It was a nearly total reversal of too many things that I had once considered a fundamental part of myself.

No painting or artwork
No singing
No writing
No new music
No money to travel or buy books or go out to eat
No job
and guess what? No internet...or well, nearly none.

I spent 3 years at home being pregnant, learning Swedish, realizing the beginnings of my limits as a parent, becoming assimilated. I thought I would have plenty of time later to get back to the person I knew myself to be inside.

Some of those things I've found my way back to, at least in part: the singing, the artwork, the creative expression, a job I love. I've found my way back to writing too, but not quite in the way I had envisioned. To be perfectly honest, and I mean, perfectly honest, I've never had the kind of personal pressure to write that I've felt lately. Not even as an English major finishing up a Liberal Arts degree, with an emphasis on writing. Creative writing. Poetry. Short stories. It's nothing compared to the pressure I place on myself to write in this journal. I love this journal, like I love the community and the support it's brought me, but some days I worry that I will end up feeling the same way about this journal that I too often feel about the American Women's Club I've worked so hard for, for the last 7 years.

I write because I love it. And I write because I feel an obligation. Both to myself and to my audience. Even the first few months of writing this journal, when I had maybe a handful of readers, I wanted that audience. I wanted the feedback and the encouragement and the pats on the back. I want people to read what I have to say, and I want to feel that I'm saying it in the best way that I can. I need the deadline and the pressure because it pushes me to put words together. To put words together WELL. I'm not a storyteller, like so many wonderful writers out there. I wish I was. I'm envious of that gift, again, being honest. But I know that I'm a good writer, that I can make people think, that I can make them laugh, that I can, sometimes at least, make them feel.

I write notes in ink on my palm ("snowman water") so I'll remember phrases I want to say, things I want to tell you. I send myself email messages sometimes, because my memory isn't all it used to be. This journal, my writing,'s a chronicle, my forum, an electronic podium for someone that has never been comfortable speaking in public, someone who doesn't get into big debates about hot-button issues. It's just a place for me to put words together. And hopefully do it well.

I sat on the sofa tonight, and wondered if I was going to write in my journal or if I was going to blow it off and just go on to bed. But I have a problem with disappointing someone both by not showing up and by not doing what I promised. And the person I would be disappointing the most is me. I'm glad you're listening. I thank you for it.
mood: creative
music: Crowded House—As Sure As I Am

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I'm really glad you took the time to say that. We love ya Liz. You are a woman with alot to say. Thanks for that!

Thanks, heartsong :) and right back at'cha! :D

I think that so many of us often feel compelled to write in our journal, to keep our audience updated. I sometimes wonder why I do not feel the same passion when it comes to so many other things in my life. I am glad that you are taking time out of your busy days to come here to write. Your journal is very much loved by us, the readers. Keep going as long as you love it.

I will! :) and thank you :)

Liz - I am so glad you are writing, and that I found your journal! I do love and look forward to reading it! Thank YOU.

I enjoy yours immensely, too :) I'm so grateful and thankful for all the friends out there that I never would have found otherwise :)

Thank YOU, Liz. Your feedback has kept me going, kept me writing to MY journal when I wasn't sure I was up to it, many many a time. I love the way you always have a kind word. Hope the foot's all better, too.

thanks, Trish! :) It's very nearly better, although I'm still feeling twinges when I try and go up or down stairs. It sure takes a lot longer than one would expect to recover from a sprain!

I appreciate your dedication, but I don't want you to burn out! You're well enough established that you're not going to lose any readers if you only post once or twice a week. Keep it fun for yourself, we'll still be here.

I'm being careful, I promise. :) I don't want to burn out, and I know that I could probably post less and be fine, but I really am glad for the "deadline" ...I need it. :)

We were in class today talking about how words were more than they conveyed feelings. (this in turn led into how if you're speaking a language that isn't your own, misunderstandings are inevitable and how frustrating that is)

Your journal one of my favorite journals...I love your writing and I find you extremely inspiring. Thanks for all your wonderful words! :)

Aww! thank YOU! That was really kind :)

It's not necessarily good to feel pressured, but we wouldn't want you to burn out and disappear for good either, so take your time and we'll be here. Just know that if you DID disappear, a LOT of people would most definitely miss you.

:) I know. Thank you! I do appreciate it, and I'm being careful about burning out. I don't want to lose my joy in LJ. :)

I love it when I have a fresh cup of coffee in front of me and I sit down in front of the computer and click on my Friends link and find entries from you (and several others) to read. That's the BEST. Thanks, Liz - for your writing and your inspiration.

Thank you, too, Geena. :)

Thank YOU for every wonderful post :)

And I love those smiley faces you're using as mood icons :)

Liz, you KNOW you are on my "must read" list every day and yes, I do get twitchy when you don't write for a day because I know you love to write and I wonder if everything is okay, should I ring her, should I send Nurse Lambi over to check it out.....

I love your journal - the comments are as entertaining as the entries and I check back always to read over what your friends have written and your responses to them. It is so interactive that I feel included in a lovely circle of friends.

Keep on writing. You have a book in there somewhere - I know it!

I always enjoy my mid-morning coffee & Liz's journal. You're writting always puts me in a great mood.

Then my job here is done. :P

Way back in College I started taking Math classes because it just sucked the joy right out of writing anything to have to do it and be criticized. Something like writing should be done just for the pure joy of it. LJ allows that kind of creativity and freedom. I think that you have a lot to say and a nice way of phrasing it in your unique perspective. I love coming to read your journal.

thank you, that was really nice of you :)

well, since we 'met' in LJ-land i have consistently enjoyed reading your words. do you write poetry also? if so, i'd love to read some sometime :)

I do, although it's been sadly sporadic the last many years. :) I have a few posted on my family web page (go to my spotlight section and you'll find a link for poetry), and have recently published a few on Mosaic Minds. I'm planning on putting up everything in a poetry journal soon, as well.


"I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK" ... Me? I'm just the guy in the leisure suit in the lounge of a cheesy Holiday Inn. You, on the other hand, are like ducking into a wonderful little art-house cinema where I know that what I'm about to experience is going to delight me, I just don't know how. I'm so happy you live so many hours ahead of me, because in the wee hours of the morning I can sit with my coffee and think, "Lizardek will have posted..." and go straightaway to your journal. Yesterday morning, as I dashed about madly, jumping from shower into clothes to head off to the 'just helping out' job, J. chided, "You shouldn't have spent so much time blogging!" He was teasing, of course...but then added, "You're addicted!" Guilty as charged...and delightfully happy about it. Self-generated deadline or not, so glad you're here. You always (ALWAYS!) brighten my day. ~Marilyn

P.S. I haven't read Mosaic Minds since its first few issues...heading there now...

No Comment

My comment is --- No Comment.

You could have written a post about the Horse story I told you. I also long to have the audience, but prefer to live vicariously through the words of my Big little sister.

new photos up on webshots.

Re: No Comment

YOU need to post your own stories, mister. :P

What a lovely post to find, when I checked my flist this morning. Thank YOU for continuing to share your wonderful words with us! :-)

Ditto, Ms Thinkum. :) I thoroughly enjoy your journal.

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lizardek's obiter photos
lizardek's obiter photos

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I can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.

Abraham Lincoln

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