zird is the word (lizardek) wrote,
zird is the word
lizardek

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GUILTY CONSCIENCE

Anders and I were on the phone together, while at work today, coordinating our calendars for the next 2 months, and as I gave him date after date to add, I kept feeling guiltier and guiltier. I'm not 100% sure why. But with choir every Wednesday evening, a club event nearly every weekend, and a club activity nearly every week, not to mention family things, and non-club commitments, I feel as though I'm gone from home A LOT. Granted some of the events are with family and/or spouse, but still. Anders has hockey-bockey every other week but it's at 11 p.m. and he has hockey practice Saturday mornings, so why am I feeling guilty?

I told him that I thought the addition of a weekly commitment (choir) was stressing me out a bit, and his reply was that he thought I really needed something for myself. I said that the club activities already fulfilled that function and his response was, "No, those you do for others." And he's right, although I get a lot out of them, too, and most of the time, I love going to club activities and hosting them, especially bookworms and social circles. Right now, I seem to be in a major love/hate relationship with the club.

I was talking to Debbie about it the other night as we were walking out of choir practice, and she told me I'm superwoman. While that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, I had to be honest, and told her that even if it may seem so, I pay for it in ways that others don't see. I don't spend as much time with my family as I ought; Anders is much more willing than I am to take the kids off for the day to the zoo or the woods for a picnic...leaving me to enjoy my solitude, which I DO need.

My philosophy has always been that a happy, fulfilled mother makes for happy, fulfilled children as long as they aren't being totally ignored, which they're NOT, so why the guilt? I'm NOT a perfect mother, I admit that freely, but I do think I'm a good one. However, I don't define myself purely as "the mother of Martin and Karin," and I honestly think that's a good thing.

/end guilty venting
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