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JUST WHAT I NEEDED
You really are the best innernets a girl could ever have.

I have a few friends who are chronic cancellers and I have to admit, I've grown tired of pretending to be okay with it when it happens...AGAIN.

And the thing is, I'm sometimes guilty of the very same thing, although not with these particular friends. I can think of at least 2 people (although I wouldn't go so far as to call them FRIENDS. Not like you. YOU'RE friends. And you're pretty, to boot. Did you lose weight?) who could probably pick the very same bone with me.

It's all about expectations, isn't it? Maybe I should give up expectations for Lent. Except that I'm not Catholic, and I don't think they let you give things up for Lent if you're not Catholic, and besides, I think I missed the giving-up train...hasn't Lent already left the station?

I woke up in the most horrible mood this morning, partly because of my afore-posted disappointment of yesterday, and subsequent stewing over it, and let me just say that you can disappoint me all you like and I won't protest...much...but disappoint my CHILDREN, and there I have to start drawing the line. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, horrible mood.

I dreamed that I was forced to stay overnight, due to circumstances beyond my control, in the apartment that belonged to my husband and his new, young, thin, blonde lover. They were glowing with happiness, and she was very giggly and lovey and I was completely CHOKED with dismay and bogglement. She was absolutely everything that I am not (although I HAVE been known to be giggly and lovey on occasion) and in fact, I'm pretty sure she was Amalah, which, HELLO? WTF? She's quite happily married and mother to an adorable baby boy and why my freakadelic brain would pair her up with Anders, who already thinks my internet/blog addiction is borderline certifiable, is beyond me, except that she is, and I repeat, EVERYTHING THAT I AM NOT.

I am not new, young, thin or blonde.

And, since Anders is gone this week, I could not even whale on him, or yell at him (for having an affair in MY BRAIN) or even laugh with him about it. I am the anxiety dream champion of the world.

So yeah: horrible mood. Until I got to work and had a chance to check my e-mail and saw all the love and worry and hugs that were flung my way from all over the globe last night after I posted my poem. To sum up: I am NOT new, young, thin or blonde, and some friends may not always measure up to my expectations, but YOU, the loveliest friends on the planet, exceed by far any expectations anyone could ever have.

Aside to BP: Yes, please, your advice would be most welcome!

Aside to Ozswede: This made me think of you. Can't imagine why.
 grateful
mood: grateful
music: Tom Waits—Shiver Me Timbers


Comments
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i was probably the only one who didn't respond to that poem. i've studied geology and i always liked granite. there are worse things to be taken for. :-)

i think i'll go to bed and dream i have a husband i can be uspet with... ha ha!

No, you weren't, not by a long shot. I like granite, too, actually, and you are so right about the worse possibilities, but still. Sweet dreams!

One thing I never worry about with G, not even in my dreams (although I have to say, your brain picked a winner there with Amalah) is that he would leave me. You see, I am the younger, thinner, prettier wife. Thankfully he was single for many, many years in between but on this score I do not ever think about what I am not.

Yeah, it was just a dream, but don't ever sell yourself short like that in your sleep, you hear me!?!

And the Lent train doesn't leave the station until March 1st, so you can still make it.

You're a lucky woman, Ellen :)

lent begins on march 1st this year. you have eons.

but still, there's the whole not-Catholic thing!

I hate thoughtless friends. Sometimes these things can't be helped, but sometimes it seems certain people are ALWAYS ruining things. I always feel so disappointed, and there's a little bit of me that thinks, "Was it something I said/did? Why aren't they coming/calling/talking to me? Is it because they hate me?? They totally hate me," instead of thinking, "Those JACKASSES!" which is what I should think. Next time say, "Well, this is going to seriously affect our friendship, but other than that, it's fine," just to fuck with them. As for your dream, I think you should blame that on your non-friends too, because they made you feel sad and insecure (at least, that's how I feel when it happens to me) which probably LED to the dream, therefore they owe you ten billion dollars in psychological damages. And chocolates. And a foot massage.

You should be a life coach. Seriously. I am SO hitting them up for the recommended compensation!!

I didn't know what to comment on the poem, poems confuse me, because I never know if people want praise and poetic criticism on the actual poem or if it's deep and symbolic and means something right here in the moment.

But I think your friend is stupid, if I lived in the south of Sweden i would totally start a friendship courtship and WOOO you!

ya stalker! :D

I've totally had dreams like that! *hug* *doublehug* Cuz I understand how it feels.

Ooooh, love that knife holder!

I saw another one the other day at Inspiration butik that was a full body man, with the knives through his torso, but I couldn't find a photo online, since I don't know what brand it was. It was both hilarious and disturbing. :)

One thing about anxiety dreams, you don't have to interpret them, it's like your unconscious is nexteling you. I have a little dream book to try and interpret my dreams, which is really rather useless, cause it doesn't list shopping or amusement parks and I have those dreams all the time. What the hell does that mean? I know you would probably roll your eyes at me or wack me in the arm but the other the thing is at least you have something that you don't want to lose so much that you have anxiety dreams about it.

nexteling?

I look forward to your writing way more than to Amalah. She's cool and all, but I enjoy your writing at such a visceral level. I love your descriptions of what you see and experience around you.

You're a word artist. Hope you had some good wine or chocolate to mellow out the things underneath.

You are really sweet to say that. thank you :)

I'm so glad that it was a dream and a poem and not reality. I was internet stressing on my way out the door yesterday after reading it, although I didn't respond, hoping that it wasn't a death of a partnership relationship. Well, if its death of a friendship relationship from lack of consideration for your time being just as important as theirs, that I can really truly understand having been going around that merry-go-round myself and being forced to say quits to it for my own preservation of self worth, and that's no fun. It was a very visual well-written poem.

I wouldn't say it's the death of a friendship, but it's definitely putting it on rockier ground, at least on my side. It makes me not want to initiate ANYTHING, and that makes me sad.

I am the anxiety dream champion of the world.

Nope. No way, no how. I am the renowned and CROWNED

Anxiety Dream Champion of the Universe!



So, there. ;P

*bows before you* (ps...you can HAVE that title, I don't WANT it!!) :P

I tried to answer to the poem yesterday, but LJ wouldn't let me. Or was it just you? See, I can do paranoid as well. :)

I do know exactly what you mean about "pretending to be okay with it" when people continually bail out of things. There are also the ones where it is always you who are making arrangements, organising the lunch dates, making the calls, initiating the contact, setting things up etc and you feel like the friendship is maybe a bit one way. Then when you decide that you are tired of it and don't phone, you get the "What have I done to upset you - you haven't rung for ages?" email. Which I'd love to respond to with "What, it always has to be ME who calls? You haven't called, either, in case you haven't noticed, but instead I find myself saying sorry, I've been busy....

See that picture doesn't reflect me in real life - only the Virtual Marie (that young, slim, blonde bombshell currently straddled on a Ducati with a handsome Swede with a funny accent in Turin). The irl Marie is a chicken.

*stabs virtual marie with a knife*

You know you're just jealous of my tiara! If you're a good girl, I'll let you touch it. If you're bad, I'll let you try it on! ;)

*hughug*

(Anonymous)

As a Methodist, we observe Lent as well. I'm not so great about giving up things (though this would be the perfect time to give up fast food, perhaps) another good thing is to take UP something positive.

I'm sorry your friends disappointed you. I hate that feeling. I remember one particular Oscar night that someone backed out on me and I had no one to watch the Oscars with and it sent me into a full crying fit. Husband felt so sorry for me that he came over and endured the most boring show on earth.

And! Your dream! It's good to know I'm not the only one who dreams about bloggers. I hate dreams like that, but later on, it usually seems quite ridiculous and funny.

~the longwinded Samiam

p.s. I hate Nextels!

I actually had to go back and read the comments to your poem again to see if I had responded on the Internets or just in my own head. Turns out it was just in my own head. But you should know that I thought about that poem off and on all day and if I HAD commented I would have said this:

Awwww, Liz. Whatever happened could not have been deserved by you because you are deliciously delightful to be around and no one would miss that if they were in their right minds. And, by the way, these kinds of things often generate bad dreams, so drink some chamomile tea before you go to bed tonight.

And invite me to do something with you sometime and watch me totally be there.


Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

I knew you were thinking it, cuz I'm psychic that way :) I was thinking we need to have some sort of get together soon, I will put on my thinking cap and see what I can come up with!

I hate those types of dreams. They put a haze all over the day *shudder*. I think you are so wonderful and such a great mom!

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