zird is the word (lizardek) wrote,
zird is the word
lizardek

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TRYING TO STOP SLAPPING ASIDE THE CLUESTICKS

Why do I do that? Why do I mentally turn away, begin to tune out, slam up a wall as soon as someone starts talking about it? I can feel myself doing it and I have to force myself to listen, force myself not to roll my eyes, not to mentally cover the conversation with a loudly silent YEAH YEAH YEAH inside my skull?

Do I do it because I'm in denial? Because I'm so sure that I already KNOW everything that is coming, everything that is being said? Because I hate being lectured at even though I know everyone who begins this conversation has only my best interests at heart, only wants to help? If I'm so smart and know so much, then why haven't I done something about it long ago?

Lazyness, habit, comfort, inertia.

All of my attempts in recent years have been half-assed, laughable, well-intentioned (check out the pretty paving on that road to hell!), short-circuited.

Do I think it can't happen to me? Do I think this is a game?! What am I afraid of?

If I did something about it, what would I be losing? What would I be giving up? What would I be revealing? If I changed it all, stripped it all away, would there be anything left?

I don't know why I can't get started or why I stop myself.

When someone brings it up, starts the subject, offers advice, all I can think is: I KNOW. I don't want to hear it again because I KNOW.

I know what's good for me, and right now I am admitting it's apparently NOT ME.

***

Joyful Jolly Oh By Golly Birthday Wishes to somebodystrange!
Tags: beinglizardek
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