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WE CAN'T ALL AND SOME OF US DON'T. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
This is not PMS, it can't be. What IS this weird sorrow that settles on my back, just below my skull and wraps its wide warm paws around my head? It comes and goes, and no way to tell which day will be the one that feels heavy, which will be the one that lightens and brightens with joy until everything is loud and snapping rainbow. Recently it seems to me that the grump bucket runneth over. I am not by nature a grumpy person, though I surely have my moments like anyone else. Yesterday, and today, if I had been a creature drawn with pencil and colored in, I would have been a familiar stuffed donkey from, what else, a book...one that brings his own raincloud with him.

Actually, this time I know what brought on the beast. Anger about something stupid and hurtful at work compounded by disappointment in a friend. First I was mad at the friend, who basically bailed on a commitment that was apparently only in my own head. I can't blame her, exactly, since her excuses reasons are valid ones. It was more a familiar feeling of abandonment, especially with this particular friend, whom I had been so enjoying the journey back to friendship with, in the past few weeks.

I know that friendship is a two-way street. And I know that if it's important to me, then I shouldn't be resentful of the time, energy or effort that I put into it, regardless of the level of same from the other side. It just makes me sad, that's all. There are so many friendships that I don't have the time to invest in that I'd like to have, the time I'd like to set aside for and nurture and help them grow, that when one I DO have, or at least one I THOUGHT I had, turns brown around the edges and begins drooping, one that I HAVE cared for, and tried to keep going, I find it harder and harder these days to stand back objectively and try to figure out (again) how to revive it or keep it alive. Right now, I feel more like saying, "Oh well, ...Next!"
 sad
mood: sad
music: Tina Arena—Burn


Comments

*hugs* for miss eyeore.
A hot bath, some sushi... don't be hard on yourself. Let your grumpity bucket be OK. It will be easier to understand when you are out of it. And it could be hormonal.... as well as deep disappointment and an old sense of abandonment. All the more reason to take extra special pampering good care of yourself.

No sushi yet, though that would definitely help. I'm saving up for next week. :) Things were better yesterday and much better today. Thanks for the special hugs.

You're welcome! : )

I have discovered recently that when I am really angry/disappointed/sad etc about a friendship it is usually because the other person did not meet my expectations. Not that I have high standards, but there are certain things you get when you are friends with me, and when I don't get those in return (a comprable amount of thoughtfulness, generosity, enthusiasm, etc) I tend to get hurt. This means I get can just as easily get hurt when someone doesn't offer me the other half of their sandwich (because SURELY I would have offered MINE) as when a friend ditches me for a boyfriend or insults my weight. Insulting someone's weight is cause for fist fight, but a sandwich? Do I really need to get upset about THAT? But sometimes I do.

It's hard for me to reconcile those feelings, because I feel silly, like they're not worth getting angry over and therefore I'm some sort of idiot. This makes me feel bad about myself, which gets me down. I HATE THAT. So what I've tried to do is say, "Why am I really feeling this way?" and then, "It's okay to feel that way. I'm alright." But then I've also decided to make a concerted effort to only nurture relationships with people who make me feel good. This is hard for me, because I want EVERYONE to like me. But some people are toxic to me. And no matter how hard I try, they make me feel bad about myself (even if it's for silly reasons involving sandwiches), so I don't need them, either. And usually, those kind of people don't notice when you drop them, anyway. That makes me feel bad too, in a, "Gee, they haven't even NOTICED that I'm ignoring them," kind of way. But that just re-affirms my position, and I love love LOVE to be right.


Now that I have written a book about ME in YOUR journal, here is my advice: Don't take things so personally and DROP the toxic friend. You are worth a lot more than cancelled lunches and fair-weather commitments. I would totally share my sandwich with you.

You are right, it is all about MY expectations...which is why I was no longer mad at my friend by the end of the day. Sometimes I get mad about the sandwich too, but what I've found is that the sandwich is rarely what I'm really getting mad about. Like you say, it's the comparable amount of generosity, enthusiasm, thoughtfulness that is almost always what's in question.

oh it's tough when people don't have the sense to value friendship and what we give..I know the feeling, mourn a bit, because some small thing in that friendship may very well have died (and by this I don't mean the whole relationship with that person in any way)...but keep your strength and energy, don't let too much seep out, because the world is full of awesome people and some of these will be glad to share the awesomeness with you in the future.
I'm much like you, friendship is sacred to me, very important, and I can't and don't want to change that...too bad others don't have the same values.

Seems most of them, these days, are online, and far away. :) thank you :)

(Anonymous)
hey, I know!

I'll bring my raincloud over and together we'll have a great big rainstorm! Cause honey, it's just something in the air right now-- slog on through, we'll get to the sunny days again-- we will.

~bluepoppy

Re: hey, I know!

I hope it's just cyclical, because man it was a 1-2-3 punch this week.

I'm so glad you wrote that--not glad that you're feeling it, though. I so often wonder if I'm so unrealistic in my expectations of others, and I feel so diminished and unimportant when someone makes a comment that points out that they haven't been paying attention for the last, oh, ten years or so. I try to expect little, to know at a very deep level that everyone is living in their own head, and other people occupy only the peripheral vision, but with some friends I expect them to remember the big things at least. There's only so much cutting out of those "toxic people" that you can do before you're standing on an island of your own making. It's just hard to know where to draw the lines to minimize getting hurt and to enjoy what you can from the friends that you have.

You know, that's the thing...I don't think I am over-realistic in my expectations of others, but over and over again I am proved wrong. :/

I don't have anything to say, just wanted to use the icon you made me. Hugs.

You don't have to say anything...I'm always glad for a hug :)

(Anonymous)

I don't know the situation of course, but if her reasons are valid? Perhaps this is more about your feelings than about him/her? Did you talk to him/her about how you feel?

I write this just because of the Swedish saying "Genom sig själv känner man andra". I have lost friends and have had bad experiences with people simply because I read in negative things that are not really there, only in my mind - used to being neglected etc - and therefore filter everything through that mindset. So this little advice that you didn't ask for is also a result of a similar filter of mine. And might not have anything at all to do with you and your situation! :)

Probably you have talked to him/her, and you feel no response, and there is a lot more to the story that I don't know etc. Then just ignore this comment and tell me to mind my own damn business! :)

/Mia

http://mias.blogg.se

Her reasons are valid, and it was definitely more about my feelings than hers...my disappointment at least. I haven't talked to her yet, since she communicated via email and I just sent a sad face back to her, because I WAS mad and don't really want to talk to people when I'm angry.

There is some history here, too, that also has a lot of influence on the way I was feeling.

(Anonymous)

I figured there was a background story...

Well, I hope everything turns out well in the end. :)

/Mia

http://mias.blogg.se

(Anonymous)
WE CAN'T ALL AND SOME OF US DON'T. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

Ugh. That's a stinky feeling, and I know what you are talking about. I have no wise words other than to say I feel for you.. Hang in there - you certainly have lots of us online "imaginary" friends.

Angela

http://www.threecrowns.squarespace.com

Re: WE CAN'T ALL AND SOME OF US DON'T. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

And you have no idea how glad I am about that :)

Please don't hit me...but could it be the other "P"...perimenopause? My Portland roommate got rocked HARD by it when she was only 40...I've (so far) had pretty smooth sailing through it. Just thought I'd mention it...

Aaagh! Don't say that. *holds hands over ears, sings lalalalala!*

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