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Sometimes you might think that you are alone in the world. Especially when things aren't going your way. No one cares about your problems or your feelings. You didn't get that job you interviewed for. You can't find anyone to go to Weightwatchers with you. Your kids ditch walking with you to play with their friends. Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, might as well eat worms.

Inside, not even deep down, but really right under the surface of your suddenly tingling skin, you know that this is not true. In fact, there are so many people who care about you and are with you, either physically or in spirit, when you need them, that it's almost a little frightening, not to mention humbling.

My day here in Sweden starts 6 hours before my mom's in Michigan. When my alarm clock goes off at 7 a.m., signaling the start of another working weekday, it is the middle of the night on the other side of the world. I talked to my mom yesterday and she was ready and packed and calm as ever. She had bought a big stack of comic books to take with her to the hospital. Comic books?! I said. Yes, because they are good for making you smile and laugh.

My brother had talked to her earlier and joked with her that since she's already missing her appendix and had her gallbladder removed years ago, that there won't be anything left after the hysterectomy; just lungs and a heart. Granted, her heart is big enough to fill any suddenly empty body cavity, but still: HOLLOW. Ha! she said. I'll still have my bladder. And my intestines and my stomach, so there.

All this day, I was basically sleepwalking through my life. Sleepwalking through the alarm, showering, dressing, drying my hair. I drove to work on automatic pilot and through most of my day as well. Her surgery was scheduled for 10:30 a.m. and I knew there was no need for me to call when it was finally morning in Michigan, my early afternoon here after an already endless day, so I waited until I got home and called my sister. Any news? I asked. Not yet, she said. Then we both made GAAH noises and finally hung up.

I couldn't just pace the house so I went for a walk around the brilliantly lit village, bathed in evening sunshine and birdsong. I imagine blackbirds sound like what happiness would sound like, if it had wings and could sing. A little girl with long yellow hair and long slim legs came running toward me with a huge black poodle on a leash. They stopped suddenly, looked at me approaching and then turned and dashed the other way. I laughed to see them run, they looked so free and so young. The dog didn't pull the girl, they were running together, obviously for the joy of it. Then they came to a halt near the pear trees and turned around to run back again; she was grinning and I think the dog was, too.

My sister called back before I returned, and talked to Anders. He gave her my ETA and she called back about 15 minutes after I walked in the door, buzzing with adrenaline and restlessness. Mom's fine, she came through the surgery with flying colors. I haven't talked to her yet, since she was still in the operating room with the oncologist or urologist or whatever he was, but the surgeon told my uncle she met every one of the high expectations they had set for the surgery. We won't know for a few days the rest of the news, since more biopsies have been taken but so far, so good.

I couldn't write about this before, I was too freaked out. Completely and suddenly devastated at the thought of something happening to my mom. The cyst on her ovary, you see, wasn't cancerous at all. But the biopsies done before the surgery came back positive for uterine cancer. So, the extra doctors were there to check her lymph nodes and take more samples, and even though much of the danger zone has now been removed, she's not out of the woods yet.

If I wasn't already aware of it, I would certainly be now: how much I am loved and how much my mom is, by friends, by family, by kindred spirits that neither one of us has even met. The globe has been wrapped in a glow of loving light all day and that is what got me through it. I've had emails and messages and phone calls and there is no doubt. I am not alone. And even though I am far away, much farther than I would prefer given the circumstances, I know that my mom isn't alone either, and that she will be okay. How could she be otherwise? So far, so good.

Edited to add: If anyone would like to send a card to my mom, please email me at lizardek a t yahoo .co m and I will send you her address.
mood: relieved
music: Love Spirals Downward—Will You Fade

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I'm so glad the surgery went well Liz. *huge huge huge hugs*

thank, honey :)


just what I needed! :)

(no subject) - (Anonymous)

YAY HURRAY, that's what I say! :)


Thanks muchly :)

Glad to hear things went well. Keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of the news will be just as good.


Thanks :) I spoke with her briefly today, it was good just to hear her voice!!


My most favorite of all Scriptures, probably, just for the sheer poetry of it, comes from Isaiah 43 - "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." How can you not love that? All that amazing imagery to remind us that indeed, we are none of us alone. I'm not one to throw around Scripture but it's just so dang beautiful and reassuring when scary things are happening, like moms being sick and in surgery.

Anyway, darling you, I knew there was a reason your mom popped into my head when -of all things - I was slicing tomatoes for my lunch. I'd totally forgotten that today was her surgery - dumb pregnant brain - but continue to be assured that you are loved and supported, and so is your mom. Sending you eleventy big pregnant belly hugs. And prayers that go up whilst slicing summer tomatoes.

love, love,

You always know exactly what to write, to say, to make me feel better, and cheer me up. Thank you for being such a great friend, Samiam!!

Sending lots & lots of good healing thoughts!

So glad that things are going well!

Thanks, Ann! I (we!) appreciate it!!

I'm glad it went well.

Me, too :) It was a relief, I'll tell you!


Whew! I am glad to hear your determined energy of before has sent away the bad things of today. I know what it is to have this kind of fear, and I'm glad yours turned out for the better.

I also smiled in familiarity with some of those opening lines you had. :) Keep that chin up.

- Molly

I'm keeping it up high! Talking to her today, albeit briefly, was a huge relief. One thing at a time, but I'm feeling very positive.

woo-hooo, GREAT NEWS!!!

Yeah! Now we just need those biopsies to come back negative. :)

This post had me breathless. I wish I was there to hug you or hold your hand. Your mom is such an amazing person. Such an INSPIRING person. I am still holding my breath. I want everything to be okay. And yet even if it isn't Liz, I have a feeling your mom will give the world so much in the wide-open, generous way that she approaches healing. I'd love to write her (I'll email.) And man, I wish Sweden were a hop, skip and a jump away! I'd come hug you and bring sushi and good tea. SMOOCHES!

She IS amazing and inspiring! I am a lucky daughter :) I wish Sweden were a hop, skip and a jump away, too!!

I'm glad that your mom is doing well so far. A thousand good wishes to lizardmom!

Thanks very much! I will pass them on :)

*big hugs*

Thanks, Carrie :)

i would feel awkward sending a card but will you please tell your mom - or tell your sister to tell your mom - that there are lots of us out here in LJ land relieved to hear she's doing well and cheering her on!!

I will certainly do that...Mom already thinks my blog friends are great, so this is just confirmation! :)

You and your mom have been in my thoughts ever since I heard. So glad to read this good news.


Just what I needed: a Geenahug :)

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I can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.

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