lizardek's obiter dictum lizardek Home Now Then Friends Info Ek Family
zird is the word [userpic]
IT'S NOT HOW MUCH YOU GIVE THAT MATTERS, IT'S HOW MUCH YOU KEEP FOR YOURSELF
Call me selfish, if you will; I freely admit to it. The thought of something happening to my mother makes my blood run cold. It makes me feel like I might faint. It makes my heart miss a beat and then begin again, tha-dump. If something happened to my mother, it would mean losing a huge part of myself. I can't imagine not having my mom to call and talk to whenever I want to, whenever I NEED to. It's not just my mother I would lose, you see.

It's my past. My childhood. The memory of my birth, the way I was as an infant. The way I was before my sister or my brother came into being.

It's a calm voice to soothe my fears that I would lose. The temperate and peaceful way of listening that she gives with her whole being. The intelligence she brings to any issue and the genuine and careful striving after advice and answers that SUIT.

It's the human Google that is my mother that I would lose: knowing that I can ask her just about anything and she will know the answer. It's the knowledge that no matter how good I am (or was) at Trivial Pursuit or card games, my mother ALWAYS WINS. I would lose my access to the most amazing memory database on the planet.

It's the stories from my past and my mother's past and my father's and our family's that I would lose, that would recede into frayed and dimming dreams. I would lose my status as a daughter, with my father already gone, and be forced into adult full time. Good lord, I'd be orphaned!

I would lose one of the very, very few people that I know I could tell anything to, and know myself safe in the telling of. Not that I HAVE told my mom everything I have to tell, but I know I COULD if I needed to, without being judged.

It's her patience I would lose, when I need all I can get. Her daily example of how to live well, how to be a better person, how to give back to the world and the community and the family.

It's the personal long-distance shopper that I would lose. Knowing that I can ask my mom to pick up chocolate chips or clothes from my favorite Stateside store has made my life abroad that much easier because she has always been willing to help stave off my homesickness or cravings with care packages and envelopes of books.

It's her sense of humor that I would lose, knowing just how to tell a story that will crack her up, knowing what will make her smile or grimace or roll her eyes right back at me.

It's the smiles on the faces of my children when they see their grandmother that would be only a glowing memory. It's their sense of belonging as well as mine; their place in this tree of relatives and family. It's a virtual umbilical cord that keeps me, keeps us, connected to my place of birth, my family, my siblings, my past and present and future selves all rolled up into one complicated package.

It's the unconditional love that I would lose.

Some day, I know that I will have to face this loss and deal with it. But right now, I am so grateful and thankful and relieved that it is NOT YET. It is NOT NOW.
 hopeful
mood: hopeful
music: Avocadoclub—Too Much Space to Walk Away


Comments

amen.

Hooray! Glad to hear lizardmom is doing well. And you perfectly expressed how I feel about my mom too.

(Anonymous)

I am crying now. That sums up everything I miss about my father. The unconditional love sums it up. And I had the exact same thoughts before I lost him - how can I live without him, his support, his love, his everything! I realise now his support and love didn't die with him, but oh how I miss having him here, just a phonecall away...

It's such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing. It seems you and your mother share the same beautiful thing me and father did. And it's so beautiful, isn't it?

/Mia

http://mias.blogg.se

Is certainly is :)

Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. You are lucky to have such a close relationship with her. What a blessing! I hope that she is ok.

She's the best. I know I am really lucky :)

I can think of no words to raise to this except a phrase I judiciously swipe from our Bluepoppy: Blessed Be.

with glowing heart,
wee xo

Woot! I got an LJ comment from you! :D

You've beautifully expressed how a lot of us feel about our mothers. I'm just happy that it's "not now" either.

That's your mom in your userpic, right? She looks lovely!

She is very beautiful, on the inside as well (as you might imagine).

Your words are so beautiful. Your mom is also very lucky to have you. I also feel the same about my mom ... the thought of losing her is unimaginable. Hugs!

Hugs back! :)

(no subject) - (Anonymous)

*chucks you on the shoulder*

I read this earlier, but couldn't comment because it brought me to tears and I had to walk away fro my computer.
Well put Liz. You put your finger right on many of my own feelings and emotions... What I have gone through since losing my parents and becoming a full time orphaned adult.
Thanks for stirring the pot for me, and I'm glad its not now too!

I didn't mean to make so many people cry! HUGS from me to you.

It's the unconditional love that I would lose.

That's a hell of a lot. Well written, better expressed, statement of why.

It's everything.

(Anonymous)

My heart, with you, with your family; my hope for a quick and easy recovery. I'm also jealous of your non-as-complicated relationship with your mother. A treasure.

- Molly
www.sylviatheteacher.blogspot.com

Well, I had the very complicated relationship with my dad, so it all evens out. :) My mom IS a treasure.

I can't bear to think of losing my mom. It's one of my greatest fears. Very poignant entry.

Mine, too. I know just what you mean.

October 2018
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