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THUD
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm NOT all that. Maybe I've been fooling myself all along. Once I thought I might set the world on fire somehow, in some small way, but right now I'm just flagging; fatigued. Maybe I need to take a closer look and face the facts: I might be neither as young nor as good as I think I am. Thought I was. Thunk.

If I were a leaf I'd be spiraling down through the air toward the long decay on the forest floor. Drained of suppleness but bright in color, my deciduous heart.

Anger comes first, after disappointment, then the slowly tickling grief: what if I'm wrong? About my abilities, capabilities, creativity, skills? I could be living in the past and unable to see that times are changing, have changed, and I'm slowly being left behind. How do you know when your own ability to be honest with yourself is compromised? How do you know when you're not worth what you once were?

In Swedish, there's a saying people use to describe what happens when you grow too familiar with something: you become hemmablind. Home-blind. Blind to what you're looking at because you've looked at it for so long that you no longer SEE. It's why you always have another pair of eyes check your work, or proof-read over what you've already written. How do you learn to do that with your self?

Maybe I'm right. But, ...what if I'm wrong?

Bah.
 disappointed
mood: disappointed


Comments

I agree, it is always useful to have another pair of eyes to proof-read. It's hard to do all on your own. Don't expect that of yourself. These eyes think your deciduous heart is wonderful. I see something pretty special, breath-taking even. You can still start a fire.

I can at least gather kindling :)

And that's how it all starts. That's how it needs to start.

If you're wrong, the sun will still come up tomorrow (well, most places on the planet, anyway); if you're right, the sun will still set tomorrow (ditto). Either way, we will all still be here, grateful for your shared thoughts and words, and still knowing without a doubt that you are, indeed, all that. :-)

Why am I suddenly channeling Little Orphan Annie?! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrrooooooooooooow there'll be sun!

Edited at 2008-02-07 10:00 pm (UTC)

I love the Swedish term you describe here. I get that.

I tend to lean this way: You are better than you think, better than you could possibly know. Being on-trend, "with it", etc? That's all well and good. But everything comes around again and anything, anyONE, who is "good" will out.

Follow your heart. Be the person you believe you are inside, because that IS who you are. Who you are IS good enough.


Be creative. Do not imitate. Be original.
And it does not matter what you create. Do not judge it, do not say it is great, it is bad.
What matters is that you use the talent existence has given you.
How do you know you are using your talent?
Your being feels nourished, it dances, it sings, it is happy, it is in tune with existence.
Seek it always, elusive as it is at times.
*love*



Edited at 2008-02-06 11:21 pm (UTC)

Thank you for your lovely, kind words.

Hon, clearly you need some sushi, a massage, a good cry, someone to hold you. It's February. It's blah time. Some have inertia; some are overly self critical, unmotivated, stressed, etc.

"How do you know when you're not worth what you once were? "

Who are you judging yourself by? What is this disappointment with yourself? If there is something big that you want to accomplish, then maybe you set yourself a timeline and goals along that timeline, but there is only so much one woman can do~ Despite what we were programmed to think. You are human with human limitations.
Perhaps I have misunderstood your cryptic message here, but it sounds like disappointment in yourself.
There are so many beautiful women who want to be actresses, but there was only one Marilyn Monroe. We can't all be famous. You know what I mean? And if she had chosen to be a mama with a full time job, I doubt she would have made it into any films. Or maybe she would have squeaked into one, just one, if she'd had a nanny and better mental health.
Anyhow, you have so many worthy accomplishments. Yes you do. Count them. They are your blessings. And with only 24 hours in a day, we have to choose what things we will focus on and what things we will let somebody else do.

So, bearing that in mind, I would venture to say that your creative abilities are just fine, and if there are some that are rusty you are perfectly capable of honing them if you choose to give them time.

Whatever would make you think that you are so self-blinded?

"How do you learn to do that with your self?"
You appear to be reasonably and responsibly self reflective, AND you have a gaggle of friends for assistance on this note if you mistrust yourself.

If this font of unsolicited advice and comfort is in any way inappropriate, feel free to delete it.
~H ♥


Having a friend like you to say the kinds of things I need to hear when I need to hear them makes the bad days worthwhile. Now, where's my sushi and a massage?!

as good as I think I am

you'll never be as good as i think you are. :)

Oh, you sweetheart you.

(Anonymous)
hey now

I don't know what's going on (and please, email me off line if you want to talk about it in detail) but I know LOTS of things for certain:

You are the greatest friend, ever.

You are magical and lyrical with a heaping dose of snark.

You have pretty, pretty hair!

And we ALL love YOU!!!!

~bp

Re: hey now

My hair is pretty and people like me! I feel much better knowing friends like you have got my back. *smooch*

(Anonymous)

I have days like this sometimes (mostly at work, my days are there anyway). Then I think to myself, what are the other reasons behind these decisions - the not based on me reasons. Unfolding these reasons and taking a hard look at them helps me step away from the situation.

And if it is me, then I say, okay, I've learned. Next time, better ;-).

Julia @ kolo

Wise woman :) Thanks for the succinct points in the right direction.

I wonder if it's burnout form manic overwork (yeah, I know I harp on about that a bit, but I see parallels and worry about you!)

I think it's also not unusual to get to a point in your life where you look at the years behind you and the dwindling number of years ahead and stop and wonder if you have achieved enough and if there will be time to fit in all of your aims, plans, ambitions. You really have achieved a lot if you look around yourself with more objective eyes.

Anyway, I think you are a legend and let's face it, only MY opinion counts for anything, so get used to it :)

Work? What could possibly make you think this is connected to work? (removes tongue from cheek and sighs) I'm glad I've got you looking out for me...though I thought it was only LAMBI's opinion that counted.

I wasn't able to respond to this yesterday but I spent the rest of the day thinking about this entry on and off. I've had times when your words could have come out of my mouth.

The problem with the hemmablind comment is that, depending of what eyes you're using, they're unreliable. I find that lack of sleep and stress can bring out some pretty ugly thoughts about myself, my relationships with people, and my future. Of course we have off-days but you've got a lot of people who rely on you and I doubt they're all misguided.

*hugs* I hope you feel a little better today!

You are so right, and I do, thank you :)

A walk with your children is the one proven remedy for being hemmablind. It's also a proven remedy for that disorder where you think you're hemmablind but are actually a legend and just need reminding.

Being called a legend TWICE in my own comments ought to be good for something! :D Thanks, my friend!

I think you're a wonderful person with two wonderful kids.
*Kram*

(Anonymous)

Well, I'm arriving late here. My question is how in the world could you arrive at questioning your abilities? You have achieved more than I think (know)I ever did. You have way more support than I think I ever did.
I think you are wonderful, doing a bang-up job in every way. And, yes everyone at times wonders about WHAT we are doing or not doing. I'm sure all the comments above mine MUST have brought you back to right thinking. Maybe you just need to go out and buy a sportscar! :0 Love, Lizardmom

It's been my experience that disappointment is caused by expectations...and that expectations are one of the damnedest things to let go of. Just sayin'...speaking for myself...

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