zird is the word (lizardek) wrote,
zird is the word

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Don't write much on Tuesdays: karate class until late and baths seem to suck the motivation out of me. Rarely write on Wednesdays: choir until 9:30 p.m., don't get home until after 10. Hard to write on Fridays: MYSKVÄLL and usually other late-night plans and commitments. Ditto Saturdays, though I seem to manage them better, probably because I'm posting earlier in the day. Which means typically I'm writing in this journal on Sunday, Monday and sometimes Thursday. Oh, the other weeknights do pop up for showing here and there, but I've noticed a pattern.

I haven't posted on a Tuesday since August 19 (day after school started)...the day Karin's karate class term began. Hmmm....

Writing is my basic form of self-expression these days and it's a bit bothersome that I seem to be doing so much less of it than I used to. I don't think it's because my basic busyness has increased, though the kids' certainly has. If I look back at the past several years of online journaling, the gradual drop in posts is rather dramatic. I went from nearly every day (!) in 2003, 2004 and 2005, even into 2006 to a definite decline in 2007 and a substantial slacker stamp for all of 2008 to date.

What happened? Am I completely burnt-out? Maybe I just have less to say or perhaps writing every day for 3.5 years used up all my anecdotes! Actually, I think I'm much more choosy about what I put out here. I no longer spend a post on things that I think no one is interested in because a) who cares and b) god, who cares?? Being self-conscious about daily blabbering is a good thing in most respects, but I don't want to trickle away into silence. And anyway, the person most interested in what I have to say is ME, after all. So why not put it out there anyway?

Here's what I think. I think the fact that I haven't been walking this year translates to a dearth of posting. No nature = Muse-less Lizardek. Also a fatter one, which is depressing and de-motivating and vicious-circling. Even if my warbling paeans to this wonderful world don't always translate to a cascade of comments, and maybe the two things—not walking and not writing—aren't linked at all, they are both trends that I want to reverse. It doesn't help that I am just coming to this conclusion as the darkness descends and the unwelcoming weather begins. Who wants to be out walking in the wind and the rain and the cold and the ice? Not me: I'm really a lazy sack of slack.

BUT, concerted efforts in the right direction are rumbling. I've asked both the kids to help me in my fight to get back on track and hope they will also be willing to brave the elements with me at least once in awhile. I know I am the only one that can turn my own attitude around, and I'm also well aware of my own self-sabotage. UGH. That I have to fight this battle with myself over and over and over makes me want to smack myself upside the head.

Enough already. Just do it. November is neither too late nor too early for resolution, right?
Tags: beinglizardek
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