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ATTEMPTING TO BRAKE THE AUTOPILOT
Sitting with my hands on the keyboard, I move them up, bending the wrist then dropping it again. My head is inclined, though I don't have to look at the keys to type; typing class years ago ingrained the touch of the alphabet into the tips of my fingers. They move just so in the clickety dance to produce letters, words, sentences, whole paragraphs without any seeming gap between thought and intention. Thought, however, escapes easily or rather has never been here to begin with in this instance, once again I sat to write without the preparation of a subject. Mentally the review of, and discarding of, various ideas has taken place all day, leaving me as yet with nothing that seems worthy of posterity.

It was cold and grey and windy all weekend. A disappointment after the rumor of sunshine and warmer temperatures which I took to be a promise. All weekend long I've felt disconnected, growly, and at odds with myself and others. Working has soothed me only temporarily; it felt more a compulsion than a true desire. And there are things to be done that I am not exactly procrastinating about yet which don't seem to be moving to the top of my to-do list: set up bills for payment, mop floors, purchase birthday presents for the myriad birthdays taking place this last week of the month.

More than anything else I need to stop sabotaging myself over and over with the same stupid cycle. Painful to realize how human one can be, and how driven by the same base impulses of sloth, gluttony and self-pity. Over and over I go, ground and grounded by my own inability to stop myself. No drama, just hard facts.

Am no little locomotive, but repeating I think I can, I think I can must help SOMEWHAT. Hopefully it will at least get me pointing in the right direction even if I still need a shove on my caboose (heh) in order to actually gain momentum. And not just for writing, but for all generalities about the things I dislike about myself. I know there is no one with the power to change things but me.

Bundley Baby Burbling Belated Birthday Wishes to fruganamy!
 moody
mood: moody
music: Bob Mould—See A Little Light


Comments

kinda sucky how some days are so great..so productive and other days its so...BLAH. some people seem to always be ON you know?!

Yeah, I know. I used to think I was one of them, but no. Am not.

My favorite parts: 'I need to stop sabotaging myself' You are so very true with this--I need to heed that as well. And, 'I know there is no one with the power to change things but me.' Ditto. Big time.
I wouldn't call it an attempt at all! You've nailed it. If it matters, you have definitely given me reflection on my own procrastinations. And there are many, perhaps too many.

They're overwhelming sometimes, that's what.

(Anonymous)
oh just give over to it

darling girl, it won't last-- it comes upon us all. just give over to it-- plan to do NOTHING. soak in a hot tub with a good book/magazine-- go to bed early-- let it have it's way and it will be off-- it totally sucks when you are in it, I know (I KNOW) but it will pass as emotional flus are wont to do--- let yourself be in a big bad funkity funk and know that this is not your normal state and it will pass . .

LOVE YOU SO, bp

Re: oh just give over to it

Why is that the hardest thing of all to do? Just wallow in it good and hard until it's DONE? I always fight and fight.

Re: oh just give over to it

"Emotional flus" -- one of the best descriptions I've ever heard. I too know the suckitude of these feelings (just imagine: my mother used to tell me I should schedule my days in 15 minute increments to be more productive!), and I still hate life at the end of runt days. I'm sure the windy-greyness and long to-do list haven't been helping you either. Perhaps you'd like to join me in erasing this month from the annals of history and starting fresh in April? :)

(Anonymous)

I've been feeling the same way, and I wonder if it is (in part) due to that odd itchy feeling I get in spring when I want something anything to change and be better and new and then realize (gr) that it is me who needs to make that happen. The need to "stop sabotaging myself" is about right, and well said.

julia@kolo

It's either that or needing to BUY something, or GO somewhere :)

I know this place. It's grey like the weather, perhaps even a little stormier. It will pass and the sun will shine and you will be happy. Hang in there.

Hanging! :)

A few religions in the world believe that you can't acknowledge and truly feel the light until you've experienced the dark. I feel like I could have written that post on some days and what I've learned to do is just recognize that it's this kind of time and wait until it passes (and most of all not to beat myself up about it).

I hope you're feeling better about things soon!

I hope so, too. I know it will pass, but getting through it sometimes takes everything I have.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! And I definitely can sympathize with your mood. It's especially hard not to feel grumpy on a day like today. What bleh weather!

Today was a rollercoaster. Maybe even the weather is feeling moody!

(Anonymous)

Yep, my caboose needs a shove too. Speaking of touch typing, are keyboards the same in Sweden? It was just a little different in Argentina and kept screwing me up.

-Heather

Nope, they're different here. They've got 3 extra letters and some of the symbols are in different places. But even though our keyboard is a Swedish one, I can set it to "English" and it becomes a virtual English keyboard so I can touch-type without looking at the keys :)

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