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THIS VERY MOMENT IS THE ONLY ONE YOU KNOW YOU HAVE FOR SURE
My kids are waltzing, or what passes for waltzing in their pre-adolescent, high-school-musical-filled brains, in the living room. They're singing as they twirl, and as they pass the doorway they both make a huge grin in my direction and then stop and come in to see what I'm doing. AAH! they exclaim, when they see that I'm writing about them (they're sitting here giggling right now).

Their cheeks are bright pink, and their skin is cold: they were out in the chilly evening air watering the garden ...and each other... a few minutes ago. I kept thinking it would rain, but it's held off all day with the sort of gray-white overcast ready-to-rain feeling that gets me down.

Karin thinks it's embarrassing that I'm writing about them dancing, but they gave me such a little jolt of joy in a long hard weekend, when I needed all the smiles I could get. Karin is actually CRYING now. Begging me to stop and quit writing about them. She's collapsed on the desk and is sobbing her little drama-queen heart out. Martin, of course, is laughing his head off.

They're turning into summer children: legs and arms and skin and golden highlights in their hair. I expect we'll see less and less of them as the days lengthen to peak and they're outside on the trampoline or over at a friends' house, although we'll probably have to kick them off the computers first.

Martin and I went out for a walk this afternoon, but we went backwards on our usual round. We didn't actually walk backwards, Martin wants to make clear. We just went around the other way. It made me notice things that we don't usually see. A few days ago he took the treasure hunt notepad with him and wrote down all the different kinds of flowers we saw. When we got home he totaled it up and there were 49 on the list. There were only about 6 that we didn't know the names of, mostly flowering ground covers with variously colored blossoms and a couple of different flowering shrubs. The early spring flowers are pretty much gone now, wilting and blown. Next up: lupines and poppies and roses and peonies.

After reading a note from my friend Carol's brother where he asked her friends to send stories and memories of Carol to him so that he could put them together for her 7-year-old daughter who had expressed her fear to her father that she would forget her mom, I spent the day gathering photos of her from various AWC events and our last couple of Thanksgiving dinners. It made me glad that I have been journaling online for so many years now and that I have all my content printed into book format. All those scrapbooks and photo albums and journals aren't for me, are they? They're for my kids and their someday children, even if I live to be 100.

A Big Bright Bouquet of Belated Birthday Wishes to redpirk!
 sad
mood: sad
music: Yohanna—Funnything Is
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Comments

The first part of your entry made me smile (you have cute and silly kids:)) but the last part, especially what your friends daughter had said to her father, made me sad. Poor little girl, how she must miss her mother. And of course Carol is terribly missed by ALL those who love and care about her! *hugs* I think it's great though that you - and others - are able to come up with a lot of stories and photographs and memories about her. This will be wonderful for everybody to remember Carol and cherish her memory.

I'm transfering her blog to book form as well. I think that will also mean a lot to her family: her own words.

Definitely!

I followed the link to her blog but I reading it makes me too sad. It's so sad to read about her treatment plans halfway April, and then to know that now, hardly on month down the road, everyone around her already has had to say goodbye to their beloved. So unfair.
/huggles for you who must miss her friend terribly

(no subject) - (Anonymous)

How nice!

I think that's a great idea that your friend's brother has, and what a wonderful gift for her daughter to get, in spite of the enormous grief that comes with it.

I agree. It's heartbreaking, but I think it will help a lot later. She's so young :(

afraid she'll forget her mom? oh thats so sad :( she'll never forget and how nice of all her friends to put something together!

thanks for the birthday wishes :)

You're welcome. :)

I'm sure there will be a big collection: Carol was well-loved and had a lot of friends.

did carol blog?

Yes, but she only started last July. There's still a link to her from my sidebar.

I just linked to her blog...I can't even believe how quickly her disease must have progressed. Heart breaking.

I'm so double on the prosperity thing. Sometimes I feel guilty about sharing my life in this public way, like it show disrespect to those involved (like my grandmother and mother - whom I fear will avoid talking to me for quite some time due to the openness of my last post) and on the other hand I think I will be glad later that I am saving these thoughts and that maybe others will be too. I understand Karin's discomfort, but I imagine that she too will be happy to read your thoughts years from now. But, then, I do have moments when I wonder who I am doing this for. Me, yes, but if it was just me, why share?

Well, it was only quick because she didn't get the diagnosis until March...but she'd had symptoms and problems for over a year without realizing it was something serious.

And Karin was mostly just being silly. They ARE entering the stage where attention is embarrassing though, so we'll see how it goes :)

And if your mom and grandmother don't talk to you because you are honest and open about your thoughts and feelings, I think that's a shame. Even if choose to write in an open forum, you didn't say anything that was harmful to them, and hopefully it would open their eyes to how their actions have consequences for others, too. Not that they didn't already know that, maybe, but sometimes it's easy to ignore that what we do and say has more far-reaching effects than we realize.

ugh... i was thinking about these "cyber footprints" we leave all over the net when we move on... you make your LJ into neat little books to keep for the future, have you thought about what should happen to your LJ if you (god forbid, knock on wood, and all that) suddenly left us? :(

I've got instructions for my family :)

Funny—look what article caught my eye on CNN tonight: http://edition.cnn.com/2009/TECH/05/18/death.online/index.html

I'm glad a memory book will be made for Carol's daughter. It will not only be helpful for her, but helpful for all who participate in it's making. When my friend Sue died last year, her husband contacted the company LiveOutloud who (for a very high fee) spends a year filming the deceased's friends and family and creates a bio-documentary for the family. All the participants said it provided a sense of closure for them as well as an opportunity to give "something" to Max, her young son.

I'm so sorry to read about your friend's passing, and I know you are very sad at this loss. Life is unjust sometimes...no other way to see it.

I've heard of things like that, but don't know if there's anything like that here in Sweden. In Carol's case, there wouldn't have been time anyway, sadly :(

I have friends who lost parents at that age and I know they've really benefited from hearing stories from other family members and friends. It's a patchwork memory but they treasure it greatly. I'm glad to you can do that for your friend's daughter.

It helps everyone, i think.

A jolt of joy--I'm so glad they are there for you when you need them most. Your post brings smiles to me so I hope that is where you find yourself also. And maybe, just maybe you two should walk backward on one of your walks??

haha! I have enough trouble walking forwards! :)

I love it when you post about your kids--perhaps they are my favorite, because these posts are like little beacons of what I can look forward to. I love how your kids are turning out. Beautiful. Dramatic. Silly. Smart.

I love it, too. I think they're great :)

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