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DRAINED
All week I've been dreading attending the funeral of my friend, Carol. How do you reconcile the death of someone your own age when there is so much still to DO, so much planned, so many years of experience still to come? When you know that person didn't want to go, wasn't ready to go, and went in such a blindingly fast and unjust way? Maybe no one is ever REALLY ready to go, but I suspect that when you're 90 it's easier to accept than when you're half that.

The weather today was changeable. It kept changing. It rained and sunned and clouded. The lilacs are still out and the pansies are still bright because it's been pretty chilly lately. The chapel was lovely: small and cozy and warm with wood paneling and lots of candles. And lots and lots of flowers. I wore a skirt for her. I haven't worn a skirt since my brother got married and, in fact, it was the same one. I didn't want to wear black, because Carol was all about COLOR. So I wore lavender and even though the skirt had a black background, it was flowered all over with lavender and pink flowers.

There was a violinist that played several songs, one of which, Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor, nearly tore my heart out. But it wasn't until the song chosen for everyone to sing by Carol's daughter: You Are My Sunshine started, that everyone really lost it. I defy you to try and sing "please don't take my sunshine away" at a funeral without sobbing.

I don't feel relief that it's over because all I can think about is the fact that for her family it's NOT over. It's just begun.

And I look around at my own cozy life and my good job and my beautiful children and the circle of friends and family around me and think: nothing is certain. There are no guarantees.

But when I wake up tomorrow, the sun will be shining and the lilacs will still be blooming. And that's something, after all.

Brimming Barrelfuls of Belated Birthday Wishes to nannergo!
 sad
mood: sad


Comments
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(Anonymous)

That was a beautiful summation Liz. Thank you. As we were driving home the sun was setting and the colors there were so very beautiful. Appropriate don't you think? Kelly Sue

<<>>

That song would make me sob on a funeral after the first chord...

It did that to all of us.

ughs. Lots of them.

I KNEW you knew what that meant!

(Anonymous)
From Megsie

It isn't fair is it. We wish for guarantees, all for naught. I am so sorry for you loss....

You poor dear. I know what all that feels like. It is nearly a year (summer solstice) since our dear Serena died, in her fifties. And life has gone on. How surreal.
Wishing you sunshine and lilacs, family hugs and love, and as much certainty as possible in this human life.

funerals suck :(

*hugs*

(hug)

(Anonymous)

My heart goes out to you and Carol's family. I read several other blogs having to do with death and continuing on afterwards and it gives you a whole new outlook on your own life.

And oh my...I'm crying just reading about singing the You are my Sunshine song. That's just gutwrenching sadness to think about in that way.

Love,
Kathryn

It sure does. It makes you want to never stop hugging your friends and family.

(Anonymous)

Life just isn't fair. This was so beautiful Liz. What you wrote about colour is so accurate. Funerals are there to honour and remember the person - all the good things about her and what she gave in life, and to give her her final peace and rest and her loved ones who now have to keep living without her a chance to say goodbye - why wear black?

Yes, it makes you really see the blessings in your own life and how fragile it all is. Life is a gift. The greatest gift of all. Too easy to take for granted.

Hugs

Mia

http://mias.blogg.se

Taking things for granted is SO easy, isn't it? It's something I try so hard not to do and yet over and over, it happens.

You know, I'm one year out from my best friend Sue's death...and everyday I see something like the sun or those lilacs and I STILL say to myself how unfair it is that she doesn't get to see them. Even the Obama inauguration sparked this sentiment in me: "She'll never know that we finally got rid of Bush et al."

I guess thinking about her everyday is in some small way keeping her with me, so that's probably theraputic.

((hugs)) to you as you move through this heavy time.

I've been dealing with that sort of feeling all week. NOT FAIR NOT FAIR! I do it with my dad, too, and he died 13 YEARS AGO. I don't do it every day, though, and it's gotten less painful over the years, but still: NOT FAIR.

(no subject) - (Anonymous)   Expand  

I'm glad you wore colour. Lavender skirt and lilacs blooming. It's all we've got. Hold tight.

Holding :) I'm okay, honestly I am. The sun is shining today and it's supposed to be hot hot hot :)

(Anonymous)

So sorry she left the dance so soon. My heart goes out to her family and yours. I hurt so much because you love so much. Remember the love.

Take great care,
Joy

(no subject) - (Anonymous)   Expand  
(no subject) - (Anonymous)   Expand  

Just reading that you had to sing You Are My Sunshine made me cry.

Edited at 2009-06-01 03:34 pm (UTC)

I didn't sing at all. I couldn't.

There are no guarentees and it isn't fair. But lilacs and sunshine are still definitely something.
Love to you, Liz.

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