lizardek's obiter dictum

lizardek

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009 // 22:39

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU

Why, when we want something to change in the way someone else behaves, are we often too cautious or afraid of hurting their feelings, that we never actually do anything about it, when doing so would give us such relief and so often make things better? I often think that people should be able to READ MY MIND because I am thinking so fiercely at them.

It happens a lot when I get a massage. You can practically see the steam rising off my head, I am thinking so hard and so concentrated: NO! NOT THERE, OVER THERE! NO! THERE!! Aaargh, so close! I like my massage therapist who lives here in Flyinge (and I like her prices, too) but I often come away feeling that she didn't hit the spot, or she only hit it part of the time. On Tuesday, I woke up with a terrible headache; borderline migraine, that despite medication, stretching exercises and caffeine, refused to let go its grip on the back of my neck and skull until, by the end of the day, I could tell that my shoulders were up around my ears and my head was throbbing.

As I took off my jacket and shoes and got ready to lie down on the table, I screwed up my determination and told her that I didn't want the usual today, and explained about the horrible headache. I outlined exactly what I wanted and damned if it didn't work. She hit the spot immediately and kept on hitting it for 40 straight minutes as my eyes rolled up into my head and I went into a coma. AAAAAH. When it was over, and I was able to wipe the drool from the headrest and arise, I praised the massage to the skies and told her I would have to ask for that version every time. Ta-dah!

Was that so hard?

Thinking at them rarely works with my kids either. Usually I have to yell at them to get their attention, which is much less dignified than mind control. Nor does it work with colleagues, a very dissatisfying state of affairs. And, more's the pity,there's no yelling policy in the corporate handbook. If only thinking made it so. Shut your door when you're having a discussion in your office at that decibel level, my mental voice shouts at one aggravating co-worker. Stop reading all your instructions one by one to me while pointing at them in turn...I CAN READ it blasts through the brainpan of another. Give me a raise and more recognition! is mentally darted at my manager. No reaction. Rats.

I think part of the problem is that I just assume that people should automatically understand and cater to the unspoken wishes of others, namely, me. It's only common courtesy, after all.

If I ran the world, things would be different around here!

mood: silly

music: Velvet—I Am The Queen

Tags: beinglizardek, littlemisssunshine

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Comments

travelertrish

2009-10-22 09:20 pm (UTC)

Reply Link Thread

This is a very common problem. In fact, there are some cultures that are more adept at mind-reading than others because it is built into their very structure. Because you are supposed to pick up on silent signals in those cultures, people are constantly making adjustments based on what they THINK the other might be feeling/thinking. The noisy officemate would be sensitive to the decibel level because he would assume that others would be affected by it. These are called "high context cultures." The very context of every situation dictates what is supposed to be, so a whole lot "goes without saying." We, on the other hand, come from a "low context culture," partly because so many of the cultures that have flooded our shores have different contextual rules and we've had to lower the context expectations to cope with that. This means that we have to actually say what it is we want and what would make us more comfortable. But we're hesitant...the rules of what you can and can't say without offending the other aren't spelled out either. Sweden no doubt has a set of codes that are different for the different situations from the American ones. You can err on the side of silence (as you have been doing) or you can err on the side of speaking truth. There are usually ways to speak...except in the most high context cultures (Japan is one that has been extensively studied for this.) I doubt if this helps, but I'm glad you got a good massage!

lizardek

2009-10-23 03:28 pm (UTC)