zird is the word (lizardek) wrote,
zird is the word

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When I left work today, on time for once, at 4 p.m., it was still light out. The sky was cloudy but it was high and white and light. There's a lot of snow still on the ground, so everything has this grey frozen sheen to it, and with the reflective cloud cover, it feels much like being in a cold steel box. BUT! It's a cold steel box that is getting lighter inside. Even though we've had a decidedly cold winter so far, it's still not THAT cold. I walk around with my coat open all the time. A news report on a research study by NASA states that this past decade was the warmest on record. Anyone else think we're already past the point of no return? I'm not sure what I think about it anymore. Resigned crossed with a frisson of existential anticipatory terror, perhaps.

Anders and the kids are leaving Sunday morning for their annual ski trip up north. This year, there is a ton of snow, unlike some of the past years when they've barely had snow at all. The past 2 years, when they've had homework assignments from school to take with them, they've mostly consisted of a few math book pages and "write a diary for each day of your trip". This year, Martin's at a new school and Karin has "the homework teacher" and they both came home with a HUGE pile of books, a big long list of pages to read and problems to solve, several work sheets AND the diary task.

Every year I've looked forward to their trip, because 1) I know they will have fun and 2) I don't have to be responsible to anyone but myself for a whole week. I clean the house the day they leave and it stays clean for seven days. Nothing moves out of its proper place unless I move it. And when I move things I put them back when I'm done with them. I know it sounds selfish to be glad to have a family-free week and hey! It IS selfish. I don't feel at all guilty about it, but the thing is, the past couple of weeks have been so rough that I am not feeling my usual glee at their impending departure. I just feel sort of meh.

I know, I know. Meh is a pretty privileged place for someone like me considering how awful so many other people around the world right now have it. I think part of my meh is having so much suffering constantly on my mind. Horrors like the situation in Haiti and elsewhere press on my head and leave me feeling helpless.

And believe me, I'm as tired of feeling meh as you might suspect. Meh is not me. So, today, I decided to moonstruck myself with a virtual slap to the cheek. I went to a lunch in town, for the first time in ages, getting OUT of the office (just what I needed) and on the way I stopped at the magazine shop and bought a pile of magazines. And I've started my annual blog-to-book project. And I'm listening to really upbeat music, and clicking on the wonderful, inspiring, motivational links that my amazing and lovely blog-girlfriends keep strewing in my path like so many rose petals.

If home is my usual positive attitude, I'm clicking my heels together three times, determined to get there if willpower and a grimace smile will do it. I'll return, just like the light.

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Tags: beinglizardek


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