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UNDER ATTACK
I don't know, it's one of those weeks. A woeful week, in which I have had sort of sad, or at least shaking, news from a friend and, with another friend, flailed helplessly in the face of her grief, though trying my darndest to avoid the chin-chucking and it-will-be-fining, because in her case it WON'T and all I can do is try and hear what she is saying and keep reiterating that sometimes horrible things happen and it's not your fault. It's a week of work-drowning, where the waves keep pulling me under and I keep trying to bob up again, waving. Not waving, not really.

It's one of those weeks where the stress and frustration of all those things and then one more snapped something and I lost control for a little bit, bursting into tears and freaking out my husband because goddammit, why can't things just WORK LIKE THEY'RE supposed to? And he thought I was mad at HIM, when really I was just mad at the universe (see friends and helplessness, above) and stressed over the amount of things at work that needed to get done and the time was ticking and they weren't getting done because instead of being able to get to them, MORE things keep coming. And I'm going on vacation in just a few weeks and they HAVE TO GET DONE and I haven't even had time to properly train the intern who will be trying to help cover for me during my absence and WAAH! Commence sobbing and drama.

And the next day, when I shamefacedly responded to a colleague's inquiry as to why the hell I had been working at 11 p.m. at night with my story of sturm und drang, she then asked me if Aunt Flo was in town. HAA. Not yet, I said, but signs point to soon. Which, when I then relayed this conversation back to my husband, who had quietly gone to the store and bought the techie bits necessary to fix the thing that had not been working and sparked my sobfest in the first place, he merely nodded and tried very, very hard not to roll his eyes.

O! Woe! Weight and aging and uncertainties and sadnesses. All of which leaves me rather battered-feeling (ready to fry!) and tearing up at inopportune moments, and makes it hard to appreciate the lilacs because they're blurry when seen through this watery haze.

So, these other things, instead: a grove of pink-blossomed cherry trees on the corner of the intersection in Södra Sandby which were sending a steady flow of pink petals floating on the evening breezes. Petals had been floating down all day, apparently, to coat the sidewalk in palest pink, below the trees, and drifting a pink-lining along the edge of the street. And later, a small girl, coming unexpectedly out from between a hedge and a fence, facing the street upon which I was driving by, on her bike, with a pink helmet and fuchsia shoes and a blinding smile directed straight at me. And the lilacs, the lilacs! And the unearthly glow of the rapeseed fields: I can't get over them. I will never get over them.

Lovely Lovely Lilac-y Birthday Wishes to nannergo!
 stressed
mood: stressed
music: Silver Swan Demos—Bi Polar Bear


Comments
(Anonymous)

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day(s)! Sending you hugs and kisses- special delivery! Love, Lizardmom

Thanks, Mama :)

From Megsie

I had a similar breakdown last week, although I was mad at my husband. Later on, after he asked me if I was done with my temper-tantrum, I asked him if he enjoyed pushing me when I am already on the edge and watching me pummel down the side of the cliff. He emphatically answered that he didn't know I was on the edge! I am so sorry that you have had such a week. I too, am struggling with friend's sad events. I get a stomach ache when I think about them. The whole uncertainty of it all. My week this week has been less busy, but I am still stressed in the catch-up. I certainly hope that everything that NEEDS TO GET DONE gets done so you can enjoy your trip home. When do you leave?

Re: From Megsie

We leave June 18th...it's coming so fast. Thanks for very comforting words. It really, really helps to know that I am not alone :)

I am glad there are things like lilacs and little girls in pink helmets and fuschia shoes. They don't make the other things better, but they do remind us that there is still a lot of good along side all that awful.

Hugs, Liz.

I agree: they totally remind us about all the good still in the world. Today: hedgehog and kitten back-porch visitations, London the Dog for the weekend, first glimpse of purple lupines!

Aw, I'm sorry you're having a rough week. It's nice to have a husband who will try to fix what's broken. Hope today brings you lots of flowers and smiling girls.

Thanks, sweetie! The flowers are everywhere and the flowering trees: it's a bonanza of beauty. It helps, it really does.

O! Woe! Weight and aging and uncertainties and sadnesses.

Woe, indeed!

While walking across campus the other day with the graphic designer in our office, she had many similar complaints. She was trying to get people to put their priorities in order and realize that their job was not so bloody important that they couldn't wait a little. I think she actually told someone that they needed to just chill out, it's not like we work for BP and are trying to stop thousands of barrels of oil a day from leaking out into the Gulf of Mexico.

Oh sure, put my little bitty problems into perspective, whydoncha! :P

No, no, you need to get THEM to put their problems into perspective. THEM being the people who keep heaping the work upon you and demanding that it get done NOW! THEY need to realize that, though important, it ought not to come at the price of your mental health. You tell 'em!

LOL! I will try!

*hug*

Thanks, dear :)

Oh DRAT Liz, I hate those kind of weeks/days. I hope that journey is over soon and on to greener pastures.
I'm eating a candy bar to cope with my woes. Too bad the candy yum is so fleeting.
Anyhow, I totally hear where you are coming from and I hope that the little bit of fairy dust that I am blowing your way reaches you quickly and makes the bad stuff go away.

The candy bar yum IS fleeting, but o so good when it's going on. Thank you for the fairy dust! I really appreciate it and your kind thoughts.

It never rains but it pours, eh? Either that or we don't tend to notice the rain until it's pouring. I'm so sorry you're having a woeful week, dear Liz, and I sincerely hope that 1) the woe will end with the week, and 2) Aunt Flo gets her ass to town soon. It can be so comforting to attribute crappy overwhelming emotions to hormones rather than our own inability to cope with life. Giant hugs from here!

Haa! No sign of Flo yet, but I can't count on timing these days, since the spiral. :) Thanks for the giant hugs, I needed them, and I hope your head cold is on the way OUT now.

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