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CHASING RAINBOWS
Rain streaks the windows and the streetlights spangle through the speckled pattern of droplines. I keep thinking I hear someone's voice from the other room but it's only the rain's soliloquy. A pattering poetry of water and glass and the light shining through them.

Someone at work asked me what's happened to my usual sunny self. She said, "Where's my Liz?" and I couldn't look at her for a moment. I was afraid I'd cry. This whole week has been emotional: the sorrow wells up for the people displaced on the other side of the world, their stories spinning out of their control. An AWC member's family is missing; one wonders if she'll ever know what happened. Today it is a year since my friend Becky's son died under shocking circumstances. I can't fathom a whole year has gone by without him in her world. It doesn't bear thinking upon.

I've done the absolute minimum at home this week. There was no motivation to be found for extra cleaning, purging shelves or drawers or closets, or any of the myriad projects that sit neglected in various rooms. I'm still only halfway through my cassette-to-PC transfer, only partway into my collage book, only minor inroads made in the long list of the inheritance inventory, and the thought of putting together a new best of book is still only that: a thought. I'm ashamed of myself for being such a slug, but I think I've needed it. Sometimes there's no denying the slug its due. A complete downtime with no lists, no calendar entries, no plans. Just me and the rain.

It feels like a Friday, since I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Maybe I'll find motivation in the morning.

Japanese Red Cross
Name of Bank: Sumitomo Mitsui Banking Corporation
Name of Branch: Ginza
Account No.: 8047670 (Ordinary Account)
SWIFT Code: SMBC JP JT
Payee Name: The Japanese Red Cross Society, Donation for Japan earthquake/tsunami
Payee Address: 1-1-3 Shiba-Daimon Minato-ku, Tokyo JAPAN
 lethargic
mood: lethargic
music: The The—Kingdom of Rain


Comments

I'm telling you, this March sucks! And how!

It's been a tough month. But despite the sleet and freezing rain and snow last night, the sun JUST came out! Yay sun!

Don't be ashamed Liz. Sometimes down time is just what the doctor orders. Motivation will come back. It's just gone on vacation for a while. You can honor that down time. Damn, down is a good time to read books!

haha! Yes it is. It's really weird, though, I have read ONE book in March. I don't seem to be in the mood even for that. Sad.

Seems like there's a couple of things going on. One is just needing some down time without projects or schedules or to-do-this-and-that. I say, slug it right up. Sometimes, that is just exactly what you need. The other part is more existential. I'm crying, too, when I hear the stories. My sister-in-law has, thankfully, heard from her family. But it was days before she knew anything. This human drama is so difficult and so awful, and remember we had Haiti, and then Pakistan and then Chile before this...all this year. And finally, as a human, we have to find some way to come to terms with this much sorrow. Part of it is that we CAN know about all this, whereas not very long ago at all, we just didn't have the communications that FORCED us to know. But even the closer to home sorrow, Liz...Life IS death, it is parting, it is not having, ever, permanence. To lose a child is the most terrible thing that can befall a parent, and yet...that life is NOT ours. Life does not belong to us. Freedom from suffering does not belong to us. We cannot take on all the pain. We just have to let it flow through us and out, out, out, so that we can do what we can, take the energy we have been given, and use it just the best way we know how. And that is really all there is to do. Breathe.

Edited at 2011-03-18 12:58 am (UTC)

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Trish. You are right, it is more than one thing going on, and all of it together is hard to handle sometimes.

Wow Trish. You are indeed a wise woman.

Ditto heartsong-she is a wise woman, indeed!

In a few hours I'll be winging my way back home. With the time difference you are just this moment beginning your evening after your day off. I hope it was tremendously UNproductive. I hope you continued your sluggish behavior and took a real mental health day. But I would lay odds that you pushed through your inner slug and did lots of stuff around your home (and I would also lay odds that doing so made you feel a whole deal better).

You'd lose your bet. I was about as UNproductive as it's possible for anyone to be. I slept in, showered & dressed (does that count as productive?), had a massage, stopped at the grocery store so there would be milk tomorrow when the family gets home (that's the only thing that actually counts as REMOTELY productive, and really the only reason I went was because I was out of deodorant), ate lunch, read several chapters of the bookgroup book, watched 2 episodes of a TV show box set my husband got me in AUGUST and I haven't gotten around to, NAPPED, ate dinner, and checked email. SUPERSLUG!

"A complete downtime with no lists, no calendar entries, no plans. Just me and the rain." Sounds do peaceful-What an ideal Mental Health Day! ***envies***

But then again, I "hear" you, the catastrophe in Japan is on everybody's mind-and heart- right now. It gives us pause.

It certainly does. And the downtime day has done wonders. I think after one more good night's sleep, I will back on track. At least I hope so. Slugville is getting tiresome.

I've been feeling so much like this the past few days: unable to push through and do more than the minimum of wiping the counters clean. I'm craving a rest I don't think I can get: one that relieves me of the world's worry. We can't get away from that as adults, and I think for those of us with sensitive skins, it seeps into our bones.

This is such beautiful writing Liz, even if it's you're melancholy self writing.... <3

You're right, we CAN'T get away from that as adults, and most of the time, I don't think we should, but it sure has been OVERwhelming lately.

(Anonymous)

(hug)

-Heather

August 2018
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