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KICK IN THE PANTS
I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like talking. I'm grumpy and pissed, mostly at myself. For a long time, I've been needing to get motivated about my weight. I walk for a few days and then I slack off. I try to eat less or better and then I slack off. I can't look myself in the eyes in the mirror anymore. I know the consequences and yet I continue to act as if they don't exist.

And it's not like I haven't been here before. It's not like I haven't been through this over and over. I've been struggling with my weight since my freshman year of college. That's a long time ago. I've put it on and gotten it off several times, but each time is a little bit more and a little bit harder.

2 years ago I stopped drinking soda, in an attempt, specifically, to lose weight. I had read and heard that drinking a can of soda a day was the equivalent of 20 pounds a year. I thought maybe if I stopped drinking soda, I could lose...well, probably not 20 pounds, but maybe...something? Instead I started putting on weight. And on and on and up it went.

I overcompensated for the missing soda (not even sugar! I drank Pepsi Max!) with...well, with EVERYTHING, and more of it. I weigh more now than I ever have, even when I was pregnant.

I hate talking about my weight. I hate talking about dieting. I hate how it all takes over your whole life.

But.

This past Monday I went to a follow-up appointment with a new doctor. And got a diagnosis that I was simultaneously expecting and dreading: diabetes.

My dad died from diabetes. He was only 5 years older than I am now (though he was diagnosed in his early 40s and did everything possible to make it worse).

I am right over the borderline as far as my diagnosis goes, right at the bottom end of the diabetes scale. But once you are diagnosed as a diabetic, you are ALWAYS a diabetic.

I KNOW all about it. I know everything you could possibly tell me. I know. I know. I know. And yet, obviously, some part of me didn't know enough. There are lots more options for treatment now than what my dad had 30 years ago, but still the best one is: eat less, eat right, exercise.

So yeah. That was the kick in the pants I wish I could have gotten in some other way. I joined Weightwatchers again the very same evening. It's not been a week and I am hungry all the time, no matter how much I eat at mealtimes. All those things that are supposed to fill you up? They don't fill me up. I remember this feeling from the last time I was on Weightwatchers.

But.

No more excuses. No more time. No more waiting for whatever it is I was waiting for to get motivated. Time's up.
 hungry
mood: hungry
music: The Zombies—She's Not There


Comments

I'm sorry to hear about the diagnosis, Liz, that really sucks. :-(

I had the same result when I gave up Diet Coke (again, no calories). I've actually thought about scrapping that no-soda stance in the hopes of getting rid of those pounds I've gained since then.

It doesn't help, take it from one who knows. The only thing that helps is exercising and eating less and better.

I'm sorry to read about the diabetes diagnosis.

I sensing a wonderful motivation in your post, however, and I'd like to leave you this little list to ponder. This was written by a woman who has successfully maintained a 60 pound loss for over a decade. It's short but sound:

The people I see, with the most success getting the weight off and keeping it it off, never think diet.

They change their habits.

Pretty much all their habits.

And they do not think X pounds by X date.

Nor do they think of an ending point.

Weightloss is practice for maintenance.

And during weight loss one changes all the things in their life they need to change to be able to maintain.

The obvious ones are food and exercise. Water and sleep are just as important. Clutter and organization are usually part of it. Boundaries and priorities are too. Therapy is too (a real therapist). Medical and financial are too.


For me, the most salient piece of wisdom in this, and what I find to be quite true, is that weight loss is practice for maintenance. Don't think "diet". Think overall changes that you can sustain without gritting your teeth.


Edited at 2015-09-25 07:57 am (UTC)

Yep. thanks :)

(Anonymous)

I was going to say that if I moved to Sweden, I think I'd gain 100 pounds in a year, just because it would be too dark and cold to exercise outside during a big part of the year, and then because the food looks amazing. And I'm an American and part of that culture; we believe if you're not eating, you might need an ambulance.

On the other hand, you traveled so much when you were younger, I dunno where to place you. I still think it would be incredibly hard, especially if you wrestled with weight anyway.

And I'd eat a million of your cookies at one sitting. Sigh.

I have absolute confidence in you, Liz. Absolute. You're too smart and accomplished to stumble over this. Let us know how Weight Watchers works out. I don't know much about it but it seems to make good sense at least in terms of being aware of what you're eating.

You're aware that you simply replaced the soda with something else; that's so impressive, way ahead of a lot of people I bet with knowing what's going on.

Diabetes, bah. You got this. I got your back.

xoxo
Chuck

So far so good...motivation is everything. Thanks for the words of support! (although WHYYYY did you have to mention cookies???!)

If you stop drinking soda, only replace it by unsweetened things, such as tea, water or sparkling water. There is not easy way.

Drinking a modest amount of diet soda is better than drinking juces or saft or such things. Take it from another diabetic. There is NO easy way.

I learned to love sparkling water and Sweden has so so many kinds, not like the US, where you have to go looking for them.

As for the rest. Well, the gym or walking, as a regular institutionalized thing. And, I hate to say it, but, portion control.

There are no easy ways.

I stopped drinking soda 2 years ago, and started again, in moderation 1 year ago. But the weight issue was already in place. And yes, I KNOW there are no easy ways.

It's easy to sound preachy about these things, I realize, but that's not what I meant. I knew all these things, and did the wrong things in spite of having diabetes in the family. My tiny underweight mom is a type 2, she got it from stress and genetic disposition.
I just, if I was honest with my self, spent a great part of my life trying to find "easy" ways (not as in the classical sense of the word, just easier than sweat and downright healthy eating), and what I learned the hard way, is that the "easierish" ways do work. But they don't work over time. None of them. Either because they are not meant to, or because they have so many loopholes that a person who is prone to a certain life style, or has a downright eating disorder (me), will break the easier method sooner or later. You once asked me how I lost 50 kg and managed to maintain etc. Well, I get reminded by my well meaning husband, who nevertheless unwittingly drains me from saying these things; that I am in the upper 2% of people who actual manage this. He sends me depressive statistics, meaning to boost my self esteem from being such a rare unicorn. The fact is...that once you manage to maintain a certain mindset, it's not *that* hard. Just not easy either. There will always be days...as you probably know just as well as I do. But being a diabetic might be a bitter blessing in disguise. Monitoring blood sugar did teach me in a visceral way, what no theoretical knowledge could ever convince me of (in spite of theoretically being convinced) when you see the amazing difference that just a 15 minute brisk walk does directly to your glucose levels...it sort of sinks in wholly differently.
So, I did lose 50 kg, and slowly, about 2-3 lbs a month, sometimes a little less, sometimes more. Losing it slowly is far better, but can be disheartening at times, when it feels like nothing is really happening. Measuring at those times can help, and remembering that there is no loose skin and less stretch marks involved in this way. But it takes patience.
So, I went low carb. Always brown rice/pasta and sugar free brown bread etc. It does not make much of a difference to weight loss, but it does to glucose levels. I eat very low carb, but absolutely no LCHF. That shit be dangerous in the long run. And when I do cheat and eat a cookie or piece of cake in social settings, I only eat home baked. I learned how shockingly big a difference it makes from store bought. I had no idea! So, with care and exercise, you can eat some of your old loves, on special occasions.
And you will find new loves. I *love* chips, but they spike me tremendously (every diabetic is different and has their own vices and saviors), so now I'm an expert on making my own kale chips and parmesan chips. Knäckebröd or home baked sourdough or dark bread also works really well. Stews, chilis, salads and proteins, not just the lean kinds, help me going.
This is a long rant, but if you ever need more tips or just to talk, email me or backchannel. There are probably some really good local diabetic groups that can lend support and advice. Take it seriously. (not meant to sound patronizing..but many, after initial diagnosis and scare, have a phase where they're in denial). It is something you can reverse if you work hard. You will never be "normal" again, but if you reverse it, you can actually get healthier than many "normals". They took me off most meds and insulin a while ago. I'm still working for a full reversal (I was worse off than you are, I nearly died, 1.5 years ago)

Join a power-walking group or something. Something that makes it harder to make excuses on a bad day. Even if you only meet up 1-2 times a week, it keeps you focused and will make you do more stuff on your own. I hired a personal trainer at my rec center, and worked with her many days a week for months, now I only meet up with her once a week, and go boxing with a friend once a week, the rest I do on my own.

You will totally tackle this.

I didn't mean to imply you were being preachy, honestly, and I DO appreciate everything you have to say. I need to hear these things and I obviously need the motivation help that others can give me. I am taking it seriously, honestly I am.

I am so glad you have an advantage. I was in your position (low grade diabetes) for probably at least a year. The flood, losing all our assets, family griefs and work kept me undiagnosed (and sick) for a long while. And it nearly ended me. I was in hospital for days and on many meds for many months. My hair fell out, my liver was in danger. And so on.

But that is all different today. I haven't written about it, because it is one of many sorrows that the last couple of years have dealt, and there is also shame in diabetes for many, like me. The rants are so you never get to that place. So you never get overwhelmed by life and ignore it, or ignore it because it's a pain. I'll stop now, for real.

I'm not surprised you had such a struggle with all the awful things you were dealing with. Talk about stress!! I didn't know you were in such dire straits...I'm glad you were able to turn it around so well. :)

i'll be member of this club one of these days... :-(

I hope not. Get the motivation to do something about it now!

Got my diagnosis in early spring myself. Let me just say gymnema sylvestre, bitter melon, cinnamon, all natural supplements that help a great deal in controlling Type II diabetes blood sugar levels, along with the stuff you already know about.

Haven't gotten quite that far yet. I have no idea what those things even are (well, apart from cinnamon). I'm meeting a dietitian in October :)

I forgot to add chromium picolinate. These are all natural supplements which help the Type II diabetic deal better with blood sugar levels and they have been very successful for me so far.

I'm sorry you got that diagnosis.. I have a strong family history of it and I figure it's only a matter of time. The times I have had the most success at weight loss is when it consumed my life, so I well know how you feel about that part. I hate it too. It appears on FB that you are eating healthy now so..keep it up! You can do it! :)

So far, so good. I had that feeling myself (the inevitable one) but I sure wish I'd done something to stop it.

I am so sorry to hear that you've tripped over that line, but glad that you are doing what you need to, to take care of yourself given the diagnosis. Don't forget to take care of inner-you, as well as physical-you -- i.e. no punishing yourself! Sounds like you've got the motivation down, so, onward and upward! Sending lots of (calorie-burning) hugs!

Ugh, that really sucks. :(

I've got a family history of it as well, on both sides. It seems like an epidemic these days.

I read a wonderful book on vacation called French Women Don't Get Fat. It was all about gradual changes. "Dieting" isn't mentioned. I'm trying it myself....best of all, it's a good read all by itself.

(Anonymous)
From Megsie

Oh. Shit. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this Liz. I know you will be fine, but it is a pain and scary. Especially because of your dad. Sending you SO MUCH LOVE!

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