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ONE OF THOSE...DAYS-WEEKS-MONTHS
I have a huge pile of mixed emotions right now.

I was really happy on Monday after WW because I finally (!) hit -15 kg*. It's taken forever to get down this last kilo, thanks to Pie Night, Easter, Anthon Berg and my own lack of motivation. One step forward, two steps back, rinse & repeat for way too many weeks. So, it felt really good to have finally hit that milestone on my way down. :) Still a long way to go, but now the sun is out and I am getting moving again.

My mom called Sunday and told me some terrible news. Another relative with a brain tumor. Inoperable, no time, all the things you don't want to hear when the person in question is beloved. This is my second close relative with a brain tumor in the space of a year. It makes me so sad. I feel very far away and useless right now.

Why can't the cool, fun, wonderful people be here as long as me? It makes me so unutterably sad to know that this is how it is. Life isn't fair. Time is too short. No one gets to live forever and you don't get a second chance.

Anders is gone again, to Italy this week and next, but will be home during the weekend. I've been busy, as usual, and had bookgroup here last night and it was really nice to have a room full of talkative people to keep me distracted. Everyone hated the book so the discussion was fun and then turned to other, more interesting topics. I put out a huge spread of nibbles (crackers, cheese, baby tomatoes, beef jerky, grapes, cashews, chocolate squares, cookies) and then served a raspberry meringue cake with Daim. Yum! My friend Debbie spent the night as she had her first class this morning here in Flyinge (and she lives 40 minutes away), so we stayed up a little late, but not too late, talking.

But I woke up at 4:20 a.m. this morning with the worst headache, post-nightmares and dehydrated, and with my jaw clenched so tight I thought I'd be having to carry a little notepad and pencil around for the rest of my life. I got up and took some Ibuprofin but when I went back to bed, I couldn't relax and I couldn't fall asleep again. The fish tank water filter burbling was SO loud that I finally got up again around 5 and unplugged the damn thing. And still laid there until the alarm went off at 6:30. I was a zombie all day and I have so much to do this week at work, so it was not a good day, mentally speaking. My mind isn't here at all. It's home with my mom and my family. And being tired doesn't help. It's nearly 8 p.m. now and I'm trying really hard not to go sit on the couch because if I do, I'll fall asleep and then I'll have to get up again to go to bed and then I won't be able to sleep again. Stupid headache, look what you did!

Martin told me about a cool new show and I can't recommend it highly enough. We are already addicted to John Oliver's Last Week Tonight, but now we've added Samantha Bee's Full Frontal to our watch list. She used to be on The Daily Show as a correspondent, but now she's got her own late-night hosting gig (first woman late-night host!) and she's great. Rude, crude, biting, insightful, provocative and funny as all get-out.

I went for a walk at lunch today, but maybe I'll go out again now for half an hour. The sun is still shining!

* -33.06 lbs
 indescribable
mood: indescribable
music: David Bowie—Day In Day Out


Comments
(Anonymous)
From Megsie

Life is not fair. I am so sorry to hear about your relative. Oh. So. Sorry. I have a friend whose partner is in surgery. She was getting a "mass" that was on her ovary removed, but it has to be more than this, because the last I heard she was still in surgery and it had been 6 HOURS. This is not good, I am assuming. It breaks my heart. Life is hard, and keeps being hard. Holding you in the light ans sending prayers. xoxoxoxo

(Anonymous)
Re: From Megsie

*and

Re: From Megsie

I hope hope that your friend's partner is okay and that everything went smoothly and it wasn't long because of awfulness. HUGS!!

(Anonymous)

Please tell me you turned the filter back on and added water?

I know how you fill..... two in the space of a year.... just not good.
Seester

Yes, I turned the filter back on, of course I did, you goob. But NO I didn't add more water, because the fish is going away tomorrow and I can't be bothered.

I had to laugh at your sister reminding you about the fish tank!

Oh Liz, what a rollercoaster of emotions to deal with :(

Congratulations on the weightloss - that's pretty impressive and a real boost to keep going and aim for a healthier you.

Then the very sad news about your terminally ill relative. It does seem so very unfair, especially as there is a finality about death. There is no coming back from it. It's an inevitable conclusion to life and yet, we are so woefully unprepared for it. Not our own. In so many ways, it's easier to accept it for oneself. But for our family and friends it is something we wish we could change. And it's a visceral and selfish desire because ultimately it is our life which is affected most profoundly by the loss of another.

It's also a reminder to us that we should embrace life with both hands and our friends and family too.

She should come take care of it for me. She's the aquarium queen.

And yes, this whole week has been a massively unfun rollercoaster with glimpses of good things and plunges of horrible.

October 2018
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