zird is the word (lizardek) wrote,
zird is the word

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I think a lot about dying these days. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm over halfway to a hundred? Maybe because I wonder what my family would do without me? Maybe because I see signs of decay in so many places. It's in the news. It's in the illnesses and diseases and diagnoses that drop like bombs around you. It's a worm in the brain that whispers what if. What if?

What would I do if I lived forever anyway? Even if inevitable, it's a squirmy uncomfortable contemplation. All the accumulated flotsam of my life, both soothing and cluttering to have and to hold. Even with my fairly frequent purge rampages, this house, this life, is full of stuff to deal with later. Stuff everywhere! Long live stuff!

Reading: Unsheltered by Barbara Kingsolver
Watching: The Marvelous Mrs Maisel
Eating: Turkey and spinach sandwiches
Going: Open house last night at the Museum of Sketches in Lund with a bunch of fun colleagues and my husband
Planning: Friendsgiving dinner this coming weekend
Anticipating: being home for the holidays!
Working: almost two weeks of manageable workload; a much-needed breathing space
Family: Karin got her driver's license! We think we have figured out paying the rest of this year for Martin!

Our Marrakesh trip got abruptly canceled...the travel agency we booked with went bankrupt and sent us an email to say so sorry but your trip is off and here's the name of the insurance company handling your claims, but don't bother trying to contact them (I did) because they are not answering individual's inquiries and more info will be forthcoming at some unspecified time. I called the hotel in Marrakesh and the man I spoke with informed me that the bookings had all been canceled and the travel agency hadn't paid their bills for 5 months. I contacted the airline and our bookings were nowhere to be found, despite the fact that we paid for everything and received all the booking information. So sad, too bad, maybe we'll get our money back, after the banks and the vendors and the creditors, maybe not. My friend offered to rebook the trip with a different agency but I can't afford to spend the same amount (or more) again since even if it was a great deal, it was still a lot of money, so have to wait until/if we get the money back. UGH.

Martin finished a metal box for his 3D design class that has a hinged, sectioned lid that makes this great creaking sound as it drops into place. His teacher liked it so much he gave him top marks even though apparently it didn't actually fulfill the assignment requirements. Last night, or rather, early this morning, I had a nightmare that Martin and I got into a huge fight because he had taken up smoking and I was so horrified. I yelled at him and cried and lamented what a sweet child he had been. None of it worked, and then I woke up. I'm glad he's doing well in school and that he's thriving there and all, but I miss him. Even though there are things, of course, that I don't miss, I miss HIM. Because we are going to the US for Christmas, he won't be home until next summer, if then, at the earliest. And even though I get to see him now for the holidays, I won't see him HERE for a very long time. Of course, when he gets here and realizes his sister stole his bed and switched it for hers (which was ours), he'll probably turn around and head back.

My to-do list is growing by leaps and bounds. I need to go grocery shopping and get the turkeys. I need to clean the house. I need to set up the bills for payment. I need to call my mom. I need to get out from under piles of laundry (in the works). I need to get Martin's prints framed. I need to purge some more stuff. Stuff, I'm coming for you!
Tags: beinglizardek, goodthings, littlemisssunshine, offspring


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