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zird is the word [userpic]
I think a lot about dying these days. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm over halfway to a hundred? Maybe because I wonder what my family would do without me? Maybe because I see signs of decay in so many places. It's in the news. It's in the illnesses and diseases and diagnoses that drop like bombs around you. It's a worm in the brain that whispers what if. What if?

What would I do if I lived forever anyway? Even if inevitable, it's a squirmy uncomfortable contemplation. All the accumulated flotsam of my life, both soothing and cluttering to have and to hold. Even with my fairly frequent purge rampages, this house, this life, is full of stuff to deal with later. Stuff everywhere! Long live stuff!

Reading: Unsheltered by Barbara Kingsolver
Watching: The Marvelous Mrs Maisel
Eating: Turkey and spinach sandwiches
Going: Open house last night at the Museum of Sketches in Lund with a bunch of fun colleagues and my husband
Planning: Friendsgiving dinner this coming weekend
Anticipating: being home for the holidays!
Working: almost two weeks of manageable workload; a much-needed breathing space
Family: Karin got her driver's license! We think we have figured out paying the rest of this year for Martin!

Our Marrakesh trip got abruptly canceled...the travel agency we booked with went bankrupt and sent us an email to say so sorry but your trip is off and here's the name of the insurance company handling your claims, but don't bother trying to contact them (I did) because they are not answering individual's inquiries and more info will be forthcoming at some unspecified time. I called the hotel in Marrakesh and the man I spoke with informed me that the bookings had all been canceled and the travel agency hadn't paid their bills for 5 months. I contacted the airline and our bookings were nowhere to be found, despite the fact that we paid for everything and received all the booking information. So sad, too bad, maybe we'll get our money back, after the banks and the vendors and the creditors, maybe not. My friend offered to rebook the trip with a different agency but I can't afford to spend the same amount (or more) again since even if it was a great deal, it was still a lot of money, so have to wait until/if we get the money back. UGH.

Martin finished a metal box for his 3D design class that has a hinged, sectioned lid that makes this great creaking sound as it drops into place. His teacher liked it so much he gave him top marks even though apparently it didn't actually fulfill the assignment requirements. Last night, or rather, early this morning, I had a nightmare that Martin and I got into a huge fight because he had taken up smoking and I was so horrified. I yelled at him and cried and lamented what a sweet child he had been. None of it worked, and then I woke up. I'm glad he's doing well in school and that he's thriving there and all, but I miss him. Even though there are things, of course, that I don't miss, I miss HIM. Because we are going to the US for Christmas, he won't be home until next summer, if then, at the earliest. And even though I get to see him now for the holidays, I won't see him HERE for a very long time. Of course, when he gets here and realizes his sister stole his bed and switched it for hers (which was ours), he'll probably turn around and head back.

My to-do list is growing by leaps and bounds. I need to go grocery shopping and get the turkeys. I need to clean the house. I need to set up the bills for payment. I need to call my mom. I need to get out from under piles of laundry (in the works). I need to get Martin's prints framed. I need to purge some more stuff. Stuff, I'm coming for you!
mood: busy
music: none just me and my busy brain


I'm delighted at the good stuff, especially that you've figured out paying for the rest of the year for Martin. I'm sorry for the bad stuff. The loss of money for the trip is awful, but so is the fact that you won't be going to Marrakesh. The future may hold other opportunities, though.

I've been thinking about dying lately, too. It seems to be the thing to do when evidence of mortality, either in oneself or in others, rears its ugly head. Eventually, in my case, I remind myself that I can't do much about it and that usually calms me for a while. It comes back, but I swat it down again with happy thoughts.

I wish you a wonderful rest of the year (and the rest of time, for that matter) and hope your trip to the US is a joyous cap to the year!


Re: Stuff

I hope it is too! Too often holiday trips seem to just get stressful, but this year, I am determined to enjoy myself, and the time with my family and friends!

I think about dying because of this dark, dreary weather - I swear it is killing me!

My mother dying last year has made me realise that I'm next to step up to the plate. I don't worry about it as such (and indeed some days I'd welcome it), but I do think about the effect on L-G and Miss Sophie. I hope to outlive them, so they don't have the pain of loss.

Oh no about your cancelled holiday - one that you've paid for as well! You read about these things happening, but never expect it to happen to someone you know. You must be really disappointed :(

You're going home for Christmas? That's wonderful! I hope you have an amazing time together in the States.

First time home for Christmas in quite a long time, so I am really looking forward to it, and 2 of our best friends are coming for New Year's to boot, so should be a great time.

The grey/rain and darkness combination here in Sweden IS a gets harder every year.

I know what you mean about next to step up to the plate. My best friend once compared it to being on a moving conveyor belt where you watched the boxes in front of you drop off the end...urgh.

Really hoping we will get reimbursed for the trip, and really hoping it is SOONER rather than later so we can rebook!


Dying? it's probably just caused by that dark and dreary nights and besides- Just stop now, because I absolutely expect my kids to outlive me, and I'm going to be around for quite some time!
I had to laugh about Karin and the beds! Martin will likely have thought up some revenge by the time he gets home- or as Karin probably will have been so long he would have forgotten what bed he had!
That's terrible about the trip situation, I also hope you get your money back soon! Love, Lizardmom

The darkness and weather certainly leads to morbid thoughts. And YOU are not allowed to die, ever. Don't tell Martin about the beds! hahaha!

From Megsie

I don't allow those death thoughts to linger. In fact, I sometimes have to shake my head to get them out of there. I don't have much time for ANY thoughts to linger right now, too busy with work.

I am so glad that you have figured out Martin's school expense. I was sad and worried for you, but YAY!

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lizardek's obiter photos
lizardek's obiter photos

Feeling generous? Be my guest!

I can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.

Abraham Lincoln

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