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DOWNER DAY
I wasn't going to post anything today, because I'm not in a social mood, but what the hell. I've got nothing better to do at work, and I'm tired of myself, so maybe writing something will help push me out of it.

Things Karin refused to do last night but ended up doing anyway under duress: stop fighting with Martin, eat dinner, sit in her bed for a 5-minute time-out, sit in her bed for another 5-minute time-out, remove her clothes, take a bath, wash her hair, dry herself off, put on pajamas, go to bed, go to sleep.

Thing Karin refused to do last night despite several attempts on our part to reason, cajole, sternly demand: apologize to Martin for hitting him really hard in the chest, right in front of me, after a fight in which she had taken one of his toys from him, which led to the aforementioned time-outs.

Number of times I walked around our entire neighborhood in the cold: 2
Number of times I nearly walked around our entire neighborhood in the cold, because Anders was still sitting in Karin's room: 3

Number of times I refrained from striking, strangling, or drowning my child: 4

Total time elapsed: 3 hours, 30 minutes

Number of times I've mentioned the weather in my journal since starting it in August, because obviously the weather affects me much more than I'd like to admit, and today is no exception, where is the SUN?: way too many

Eye-color demographics at my lunch table: 3 blue, 2 brown, 1 hazel, 1 amber/pale green
Reason why I noticed the eye colors of the people at my lunch table: because I am usually completely out-numbered by blue-eyed Swedes

Fantasy writers, one of whom is in my all-time favorite authors list, that I found out yesterday have LiveJournals: 3

SOME PERSONAL CALENDAR NUMBERS:
5 days until my Tuesday-morning massages start up again
6 days out of the next 8 have something on the calendar for the evening
8 days until my husband and children leave for a ski trip
9 days of much-needed alone-time will be luxuriated in during the ski trip

Amount of support, appreciation, good-feeling and love supplied by the comments, phone call and hugs last night from YOU, my mom and my husband: incalculable. Thank you
 depressed
mood: depressed
music: Elton John—I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues


Comments

Wow. I go away for a day and all hell breaks loose. You poor thing. I've been in your position before with my son. He was 17 already when he was born. While I can tell you some funny anecdotes about things he did and said, there were many times that I wanted to kill him.

I never really talked about it and that was a huge problem. By struggling along alone and in silence, I went from wishing he was dead to wishing I was dead! Seriously. Pretty scary stuff. I went mentally and physically down hill - in fact, I fell out of my tree! I covered it by "doing things" - being Mrs Super Efficient, always in control, always busy, always the one asked to help with this and that. It was almost as though I was afraid that if I stopped for one second, had one tiny moment in the day to actually feel, that I would literally slit my wrists.

On the outside I was still the funny, laughing, fun-loving, organised Marie I always was. But emotionally I was dead and buried, only I didn’t stop long enough to recognise it. It had this way of creeping up on you if you let it.

So I'm happy to see that you DO talk about it, you are honest about how you feel and seek support from those around you. No, we don't have any magic solution, but we can listen and give you some space to be YOU. It also sounds like you have a very special man there!

*HUGS* That's all I can offer at the moment.

Geez, your post struck a scary chord. :( I'm doing the SAME THING, for the most part. I do talk about it, but otherwise, I feel just like you did. And offering hugs and empathy helps a LOT, thank you. Well, if I can get through it and turn out like you have, I'll feel I've accomplished a lot. :)

I had thought I had the perfect life, but I slowly began to see that it was not real at all. It was me working 24 hours a day to keep the facade going. Up until that point I had been super-woman. I worked full time, looked after a large home, did EVERYTHING, including all household chores, shopping cooking, gardening etc, I supported my children, was active in clubs they belonged to, travelled widely, had a busy social life and went out frequently to concerts, theatre, opera and galleries. Suddenly it all seemed pointless and I began to feel a creeping feeling of emptiness.

Well it was quite a rollercoaster ride to get to this point, and actually NOT a pretty story. If you knew how many times I stood at a cliff edge looking down the abyss and actually wanting to step over it, you'd be horrified. When those lows hit me, well, trust me when I say that it hits like an interstate train. There were times where I felt I couldn't breathe because the bloody idea of ending it all was taking up all my airspace.

The sad thing was that of course I had friends who probably would have helped me if they had known. I mean, move over Hollywood, I am the ultimate actress. I deserve an Oscar for evey bloody performance I put on as Mrs Happy In Control Marie. While everybody thought I was superwoman, they had no clue of how useless, empty and alone I felt, because I never let a living soul into my private world. I was strictly "off limits" - yes, friendly, helpful, supportive of others BUT never needy myself. This was simply not what "Marie" was all about. It was as though my life was a play and I was a character in it.

I can see some parallels between our behaviours and experiences. Just don't go down that road I chose. Thanks to the life bouy thrown by L-G I managed not to drown, but it was a close thing - and it's not worth it, believe me. Reach out and admit to yourself that you are human you are important and you are allowed to feel the same human emotions as the rest of us. And it doesn't make you any less of a person for feeling like that. And we still all love you even if you aren't Miss Perfect (I already have that title, Ms-Mary-Poppins-wanna-be!). So no guilt trips allowed.

And if that fails, then I'm sending Lambi over for puppy therapy. She'll listen attentively for as long as you keep patting her, and she won't feel guilty that she can't help. She'll just be there for you. And if you don't behave, she has orders to BITE. Hard. :)

Perfect, schmerfect! :P
I have a lot of those "symptoms," but thankfully, not all of them, although I've related to all of them at one point or another. I do feel very alone sometimes, even though I know I'm NOT, and Anders helps as much as he can with that. I certainly don't feel useless, it's more helpless (at least with Karin). Most of the time I'm fine, but either it's that time of month, or just that periodic depression I hit, but she certainly knows how to hit ALL of my bad buttons. :( Lambi would be very welcome. In fact, that made me suddenly think that perhaps using the excuse that we are planning to go home for a month next summer might not be a good enough reason to put off getting a dog soon. Hmmmm....

getting a dog soon

Why stop at one. Check THIS out! Shall I send a copy to Karin?

I'm glad to hear that you are aware you are not alone. I always felt I was alone and that didn't help. I know that helpless feeling well. It puzzled me that Nina could be so sunny, happy, self contained and a joy while Francesco was this tornado through my life. Same home, same influences. And yes, that uncanny ability to go straight for the jugular!

The LAMBI CLONES! aaaaaah!!! hahahahha!! aww :) Now we just have to make up our minds what kind of dog to get. We have several in mind, but no firm decision.

Re: I'm not biased, but...

no offense to Lambi, but poodles aren't even on the short list, even though that little puppy with the angel wings made me have a swoony-adorable-moment. :) what a cutie!!! Anders is leaning toward a border collie or a golden/lab. I'm leaning toward collie, german shepherd or west highland white.

Border Colllie Collie Westie

October 2019
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