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VALIDATE ME
I've always thought I should start a journal. And once upon a time I did, although I didn't keep it very long. When we moved to Belgium in 1976, my grandparents gave each of us kids a blank book to record our experiences living in Europe. Sarah's was red, mine was dark brown, and they all had gold stamped curliques and designs on them...very posh. Reading back through my 12-year-old entries is an exercise in eye-rolling. I was such a dork! I made lists of my friends (shades of LJ) and wrote down all the gifts I got for my birthday and for Christmas. I didn't keep it up for very long, and most of the entries consist of the "We did this, we did that" style of journaling. I used the phrase "I am bored" many, many times. There is a huge long blank section, and then suddenly an entry dated August 4, 1980, which reads "Boogers is the word I use the most! My mom hates it."

After that, there is roughly 1 entry per year until the end of college. That was it for my journaling until last August when I started this one.

Now, I think it's sad that I never kept it up, that all those years went by unrecorded except for in the faulty, memory-dropping sieve that is my brain. One thing that I especially wish I was better at remembering is dialogue. I can never remember conversations or one-liners. They're gone forever, having fluttered through the holes in the net and escaped. It was the same way with studying and with work today, I remember things better when I write them down. LJ makes this process so incredibly easy. Even now, though, there are things I should record for posterity, and for whatever reason, I don't. Maybe because I think no one is interested but me. Maybe because I know that the cute and funny things my children say are rarely amusing to anyone else. Whatever.

Martin, after I accidently zapped him with a static electricity touch: Mama, du är allergisk!*

The thing that bugs me about this journal is that I want to know that someone's reading it. I'm writing for an audience, not just for myself. I'm all into checking my comments and getting bummed out when there aren't any. I get the OCD thing going, thinking, I can't post a new entry until SOMEONE comments on the last one. I get that manic look in my eye then, and have to squash myself good. Squash!

Today was full of the kind of minor accomplishments that make up my life: getting laundry done, the kids dept picked up, the kids bathed and put to bed with nearly no fuss. Because the sun was shining in upon my project table, and the house was quiet and I had NO OTHER PLANS, I finished nearly an entire page in my collage book. First one in months. :) That felt good. While I was sitting there glueing things together, I watched the ponies in the pasture behind our house. The brown-and-white one was rolling on his back in the mud, then stood up and shook his head and mane wildly back and forth, just like a dog. Two magpies flashed their blue and green undergarments at me. A little while later, 3 camouflage-brown pheasant hens came walking, one after the other, along the fence and disappeared. If they hadn't been in motion, I wouldn't have seen them. The ducks from the farm staged a prison break and were roaming in the yard next door. Finally, along came a strutting male pheasant, head held high, obviously looking for his harem.

As the sun was setting, a glorious display of pink and orange and baby blue, flocked with clouds, fat white snowflakes began whirling around. It didn't look like snow. They didn't seem to be falling, but flying. At first, I didn't realize it WAS snow. I thought it was feathers. Just enough to dust the ground and then it stopped and night fell.

Funny Cat Story: Still Life With Squirt Gun

*Mama, you're allergic! (the word for electric in Swedish is elektrisk, which sounds very similar)
 content
mood: content
music: The Connells—Hey Wow


Comments

Just commenting so you can write your next post :P

Nah, seriously, sometimes I feel the same, I wonder why someone hasn't commented, it's quite funny really :) But then I guess as long as someone's read it and had a smile or thought 'what a dork' then that's enough :) Just so you know, I don't read every post of everyone I'm friends with, but you are one of the ones where I do read every single post :)

:D I guess I really AM looking for validation, despite my protests that I'm not. :) heh. I don't always comment on other's journals either, so I'm not surprised that sometimes no one comments on mine, but like you, I think, hey, what gives? I was FUNNY there, people!

I regret that I've never been able to keep a journal, well, till now, I guess. I especially wish I had journaled throughout my college years, all those emotions and experiences, and kept travel journals. How fun would it be to read the details of my first impressions of Sweden! Instead I've taken atleast two million photos throughout my youth which are all in my parents basement on the other side of the world, mixed up in many more shoeboxes than I've had shoes. Yeah for digital cameras!

I'm amused by the cute things your kids say! In fact, I'm living vicariously through them while waiting till I have my own little wikings! :)

LOL! well, that's 1 vote for the kids-say-the-darndest-things side :) "wikings" !! hahaha!

Can't you get your parents to start shipping your photos over? That would make a cool photo memoir, I bet!

I know where you're coming from. I'm the last one in my family with the memories. My parents are dead, as are almost all the aunts and uncles on both sides, and I'm the only one left with stories. When I was little, I wanted to sit with the grown-ups while the others played, and so I heard the stories over and over again. Now I am 54 and only I remember. I need to write, but I'm such a bad writer when it comes to things that are important.

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bad, schmad. Get them down on paper or talk them into a tape recorder. I feel the same way. My dad is gone and my mom is far away. I've heard all the stories a million times but never written them down. I no longer care if I'm a bad writer or not. I just want the memories, both for myself and my kids. Someone said once that fear of death isn't really fear of not having a future...it's fear of having your PAST disappear.

(no subject) - (Anonymous)
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8 years old! that's some major writerly ambition :) I think it's great that you did that, and that you kept starting new ones instead of just stopping like I did. I love this LJ thing, too. Having a daily record of your life, your thoughts, your feelings, is really an amazing thing, when you think about it.

Live is the only form of journal I keep now. I had three journals from junior high and high school. Ohhhhh dear, talk about rereading and cringing! I committed what some would consider a huge atrocity and shredded them a few years ago. I simply could not read them. I figured if I couldn't bear reading them more and more as I grew older, it wasn't worth keping them. I certainly wouldn't want my great great grandchildren reading them. My grave would be worn from spinning in it so much.

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you shredded them!!? sacrilege! ahahaha :) actually, if it wasn't for the humor factor, I would have pitched that stupid first diary of mine long ago.

Re: - nannergo   Expand  

I was never able to keep a journal until I started my online one. I really NEED the audience otherwise I have no motivation to write. I do read every single post of yours, but I rarely comment on anyone's journal unless they address something specifically to me. I always feel like a dork commenting on people's journals which is really stupid since I LOVE getting comments and know everyone else does to. I think it's a function of my mother teaching me I shouldn't call people. If they really want to talk to me they'll call me. It really makes no sense at all and is a great ego bruiser.

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It's so true. I read and smile (and I read every one of yours too), but unless something makes me feel "personally" addressed, I don't always comment. Why in the world would your mother teach you not to call people?! weird.

Very thought-provoking post...

It's strange... My paper journals are more of an artistic outlet for me now than a purely emotional one... But then, my emotions have changed... I have angst now, sure, but it's over closing on a house and what kind of flowers to get for the wedding, not whether anyone will ever like me or why I can't find a decent guy in South Florida! Basically, the stuff I'm going through now is not the kind of stuff you sit around and mope over... And I've noticed that I have more of a desire to write positive things in LJ since I know that others are reading it... I'm not really sure why that is, but I do know it's not because I don't think you'd all be interested in the bad, or because I don't think anyone would understand... I don't really know...

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I agree with you that the emotions have changed. The stuff that I wrote about in my 14-15-year-old journal just makes me laugh now: so-and-so doesn't like me, boy crushes, eek. :) I totally relate to the desire to only write about positive things in LJ, I find myself doing that as well. I think, because I don't want to come off as a whiner, or depressing, that I tend to skim most of that stuff. Dumb, really, as those emotions are just as valid as the positive ones.

Anytime you need to feel validated...just google lizardek! *wink*

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good lord! :D

*whew* Im not the only one doing that OCD thing! haha

I dont think I wrote in a journal at all when I was a kid. My mother discouraged any kind of creativity. She once got mad at my father for taking me to the hobby shop and buying me the paint by number (with horses on it!). She'd get mad when Id read to many books! Can you believe it!? I think it still affects me to this day...I sometimes get pretty bad anxiety when I really just want to sit and paint. Instead I work mostly on photos, something that brings me peace and a feeling of calm.

Too bad we didnt keep better journals from that time :/

And you can see horses from your house?! Wow...Im jealous! Take a picture!

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I hate admitting to those OCD urges! argh. Glad to know I'm not alone, though, hee hee :) We have a farm right behind us. 3 horses and 2 ponies and ALL THE FLIES that go with them. :S I did take a picture the other day, forgot to post it. I'll try and remember to do so tonight.

Yeah, I've always had a bit of an exhibitionist streak, which has translated into me needing an audience to keep a journal (funny, though, since I hardly ever say anything very revealing). For me, the good thing about having a public journal is that I keep up with it, writing more or less regularly. The bad thing is that I have a big need for everyone to like me and think good things about me, so I tend to stay on the surface of myself when I write here. Well, can't have everything, I guess.

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I know, me too. I tend to skim over the downer/sad/ugly stuff because I don't want to be depressing or a downer, or whatever. As if those emotions aren't as valid as positive ones or something.

I know exactly what you mean about journaling. I would always start to write one only to end up editing myself because I was afraid someone would find it and get their feelings hurt. I think it would be interesting since I've had a crazy life, but I'm not sure I want everyone to know everything. I guess I could write it under pseudonym. Ha ha!

I really enjoy your journal, very entertaining and witty. I love a person that can laugh at their own jokes, like me. :)

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I crack myself up all the time :D I know what you mean about not wanting people to get their feelings hurt, I think that's the major reason why I don't write negative things about anyone or rant about the stupid people in my life. I'd hate it if was me, (not that anyone would ever write mean things about me, haha), so I don't want to do it to others.

I think we all have this. And then feel stupid that we "need" the validation. But then, need it anyway. I can tell you, at least, you make me smile every time I read your journal. And I think that's important. :)

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thank you. And I agree, I think we all have it, to some extent. Online journaling brings out both the exhibitionist and the voyeur in us.

I am definitely attracted to the exhibitionist aspects of online journaling. I think if we weren't all attracted to that, we'd make all of our posts private and just keep it as private as a paper journal usually is. I can't even imagine doing that. I feed on the feedback, just like everyone else here.

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I feed on the feedback What an excellent way to put it. :)

You might miss this comment since you wrote this a while ago, but I was thinking the same exact thing yesterday. I hear Twilight Zone music playing. You always have comments on your, all positive, these people love you. Not to say that I don't, but I live to see your comment on what I've written. It has to be a part of human nature to know how you are doing with something. One of these days I will spend the time to try to find other friends. So far, I've only run across babies with broadband who frighten me slightly.

I never miss comments :) I've got them set up to come to my email :) I know what you mean, about living to see what comments you get. You'll get more friends eventually, don't worry. It takes a while, plus REAL life keeps interfering, haha!

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